Keep Away with the Cullens
by piratehannelore
Summary: Edward's on edge. Emmett and Jasper can't handle it. So they decide to give Edward a taste of his own medicine...with a game of keep away...with Bella as the prize. What happens when the rest of the family joins in? Reviews please. T for mild language
1. Emmett's plan

___**I don't own Twilight...damn it...I do want to keep the Cullen boys as pets though...I don't own Grand theft Auto either.**_

Emmett's POV

I was bored.

There was nothing to do, no game on today. Rose had gone on a marathon shopping trip with Alice in Seattle. Carlisle was at the hospital and Esme was out at some garden party. Edward was upstairs with Bella. He and Jasper had just gotten back from hunting.

"Jasper, what are we gonna do?" I asked, staring at the ceiling as I leaned back against the couch.

Jasper was reading some history book on the Civil War. I could feel tension and frustration rolling off him whenever he read something he didn't like. A touchy subject for Jasper

He just ignored my question.

"General Lee was a coward," I mumbled. Again he ignored me.

There has to be something to do. Think Emmett. Come on, big, bad Emmett. You can entertain yourself till Rose gets home. Hmmm, _Rose_.

"I can hear your thoughts," Edward called two floors above me. I could hear Bella's quiet giggles.

"Not my fault you're the 108 year old virgin," I muttered, knowing full well he could hear me.

Jasper rose from the other end of the couch and headed upstairs grumbling about needing Alice to get home soon. I'd feel bad for him if he hadn't won our last bet.

I was so bored.

I could play some video games. But last time I played I broke the controller in half. Got too excited about beating the final level in Grand Theft Auto. I could torture Jasper. Throw out some random emotions…nah, Alice would call and warn him about my plans. Last time I did that she came home to a very frustrated, yet guilt ridden Jasper. I've since been ordered to not mess with the empath while his wife is out on a psycho shopping trip.

When will Rose get home?

_Rosalie._

"Emmett," I heard Edward's voice again. I heard both Bella and Jasper laughing throughout the house.

A man's thoughts aren't his own in this house. I stood up from my position on the couch and headed out the back door, going for a run. I sloshed through the river and headed north, thinking.

I was glad my brother found someone to love. The change in him was a complete 180. But the fact that any time _anyone_ in the house tried _anything_, even thought about _anything_, Edward would 

jump down their throats all because he wasn't getting any, was a sore spot. It wasn't all the time. Only when Bella was around and Edward wasn't sure of his control. _Pfft……_ It's been getting worse the closer that damn wedding gets.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Bella. She was my fragile, human sister and she made Edward happy….and hungry. But mostly happy. But sometimes, unknowingly to herself, she made the rest of us less than happy. Poor Jasper. As much as I razzed my brother, I felt a little sorry for him. The rest of us could suffer silently, unaware of everyone else's problems. Jazz was stuck feeling it all. No wonder he stayed in his room so much. That wasn't something I'd wish upon my worst enemy. Ok, maybe my worst, but not my family.

I stopped mid run. An idea hit me.

_Oh yeah._

A grin crept along my face. I'd have to keep this from Edward. Definitely have to think about something else. And I'd have to get Jasper's help. I'm sure he'd be game. Edward beat both of us in our last wrestling match. And with Edward and Bella's wedding only a few weeks away, Bella was over all the time.

I turned around and sprinted back towards the house.

Jasper's POV

Damn book, I thought as I sat on the floor by the open window. I wasn't sore about the south losing. I was happy the south lost. But a lot of people died on both sides. A lot of loss on both sides. The books never got it right. Then Emmett sending lust waves at me. Not something I enjoyed feeling from my brother. Something I was feeling a lot more of lately. That and other emotions.

It wasn't really Emmett's fault with Edward on the warpath. Every time anyone even thought anything, he'd be yelling and snarling. It wasn't all the time. Although it seemed like it the closer the wedding got.

The Wedding.

Alice was all about the wedding right now. I smiled thinking about her. How excited she got over flower arrangements and cake that only the humans would eat. That little pixie flitting about, scaring the living hell out of Wedding vendors in a three state radius. Damn she was scary when she didn't get what she wanted. _Alice…._

"Jasper," Edward growled from above.

This was getting to be too much. I don't know how much more of these feelings I could take. My family was running hot and cold with the emotions. Esme and Alice were on cloud nine all the time, but even they had their moments. Rosalie was as bad as Emmett, although she would occasionally get 

on the Wedding train. Secretly she enjoyed planning Weddings with Alice. Even if it was for Edward and Bella. Carlisle, thank God, was at the hospital most of the time. Still, it was getting to be too much.

"Hey Jazz." I heard Emmett from across the river. "Come here."

I leapt out the window and ran towards Emmett. I reached him and silently followed him into the forest. Something was up. There was a smirk on Emmett's face and that meant one thing. He had a plan. I could feel the smug pride coming off of him. There was something else. Was that evil I felt? At least it wasn't boredom and lust like earlier. Once we were well out of ear shot from the house we stopped.

"What are you planning, Em?" I asked. I wasn't too sure about whatever Emmett was planning. His plans either went really good (rarely), or really bad (usually).

"How do you like the emotions in the house lately?" He asked casually.

I grimaced. "How the hell do you think I like the emotions in the house? I'm a prisoner in my room. No, not even then, in my own body. With Edward on the warpath I can't even look at Alice. If we could have harnessed Edward's power to make us miserable we could overthrow the Volturi if we wanted to."

I didn't think it could, but Emmett's smirk got wider. I was getting very excited. I could feel it like a wave pulling me under, rolling off of Emmett.

"How would you like to give Edward a taste of his own medicine…."

**Author's Note: Ok, so chapter one, tell me what you think. Any ideas, comments, everything is welcomed! this is the first time I've felt like writing a fanfic, so enjoy. Please review. Review and the League of Transvestite Mythical Creatures will NOT come to your house and seranede you with a very bad rendition of Rhianna's 'Shut up and Drive'. Instead you'll get cookies...you've been warned.**


	2. Damn

**Thank You everyone who Reviewed!! I give you all pie and love!! Keep it up! If you have any suggestions, feel free to give them. YAY REVIEWS!! Ten reviews on the first go, thats beyond AWESOME! Thanks everyone!**

**I don't own Twilight, or Dior….Hell, I'm a poor college student, I'm lucky to have access to a computer…Enjoy….**

Edward's POV

I was laying on the bed with my Bella in my arms. She was reading a book. Now that Jasper and Emmett were out of the house, I could have some peace. .. for now. Emmett was planning something. I knew it. Probably something stupid like messing with my Volvo. Maybe they'll try spray painting it pink again. Either way, I didn't have to listen to those _thoughts_. I could focus on the most important sound in the world. My Bella's heartbeat.

Didn't they understand how _difficult_ it was for me. Every day it seems my self control is growing weaker and weaker. Carlisle and Esme seem to understand the best. As does Alice, for the most part. But my brothers and Rosalie…. One track minds the lot of them. They seem to think I have limitless control over my emotions. But with Bella looking the way she does. Her chocolate brown eyes gazing at me below her long lashes….

No, the wedding is two weeks off. I'd rather not try anything till after she's changed. No matter how difficult it may be. But I made a promise to try, and we would. I just wish my family wasn't always trying to undermine my intentions. Its bad enough Bella is out to get me.

Bella sighed as she turned a page. Her scent filled the air around me. I tensed up. Just for a moment I knew, if I wasn't careful, all my self control would be gone. Bella would have no problem with that. But I would.

Bella POV

Edward tensed beside me. I looked at him, his jaw clenched firmly shut. After a moment I saw his muscles relax and he gave me his infamous crooked grin.

"Is Emmett back?" I asked, trying to hide a grin. I knew what my brothers, for really they were family to me now, were up to. Emmett enjoyed nothing more than giving Edward a hard time.

"No, he and Jasper are still gone." He kissed my forehead and leaned back against the pillows. I turned my attention back to my book.

Alice POV

"Oh, Rose!" I squealed as I made fashion sparks fly. "Try this on!" I handed her a red wrap dress.

There was nothing better than a marathon shopping spree with someone who understood the importance of looking good. So Rosalie wasn't as fashion obsessed as me, but at least I could get her to come shopping with me without grumbling. That was something I'd have to work on with Bella. Who knows, maybe after she gets over the newborn madness, she'll be more willing to go shopping.

"Alice, I'm not trying that on," Rosalie stated as she threw back the red dress.

"But its your color and everything," I pouted.

"We're looking for," Rose paused for a moment, as if the words were foreign and dangerous," wedding clothes." She reminded me.

"That doesn't mean we can't look for other stuff," I stated throwing back the dress. Rosalie rolled her eyes and headed to the dressing room with a large pile of items. I smiled, knowing I could get Rosalie to do as I wished. The sales clerk looked on from behind the counter.

When we first came in she had tried to pitch some of the clothes. But once she saw how Rosalie and I pounced on every rack, she quickly realized her job was already done and she'd be getting a healthy commission. Now she stood back and let us do our thing. Or, let me do my thing, I should say. Rose can hold her own, but no one can shop like I can.

"Rose-" I stopped short for a second. Images were passing through my mind. I could see Jasper and Emmett headed for the house. Jasper was playing some annoying rap song over and over in his 

head. Emmett was singing to himself… in Latin? I didn't know he could speak Latin. Both had wicked grins on their faces. The images continued until….

"Jasper Whitlock Hale! Emmett McCarty Cullen!" I shouted, startling the sales girl. Rosalie was out of the dressing room, dressed, and by my side in an instant.

"What did they do?" she seethed low and quietly. I could see the mask of anger on her face. It had to have been identical to the look on mine. I pulled out my cell phone, already calling that damnable husband of mine.

"I'll feed them to the werewolves myself," I muttered as the phone on the other end rang.

Emmett's POV

We were coming into hearing distance of the house. Jasper helped me formulate the perfect attack. It doesn't hurt to have a brother who was a military man in a former life. We leapt over the river (I'd much rather plow through but we're going for stealth here) and crept up along the house.

I looked at Jasper and gave him one sharp nod before we split. We headed inside and upstairs. I stopped on the second floor landing, at the bottom step of the third floor stairs. Jasper headed up to Edward's room. When he was at the top of the stairs we exchanged a glance and set our plan in motion.

Edward's POV

I heard Emmett and Jasper return home. I was too busy watching my Bella to notice, or even care really what Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum were up to. Although Emmett singing in Latin was a new one on me. Who knew he could speak Latin? Jasper though, when did his taste in music become so common.

I was playing with Bella's hair, humming softly when the thoughts started.

_Rosalie, sweet soft Rosalie…._ Emmett then continued into a detailed account of every little thing he found attractive about his wife.

Then came Jasper's thoughts. _Alice. Sweet, pixie Alice…._ Jasper's thoughts were headed in the same direction as Emmett's.

"Emmett, Jasper," I growled. Bella looked up at me stifling a giggle. Jasper was right outside my door. The thoughts were bad enough. I tensed and moved to towards the foot of the bed, not making any sudden movements.

That's when the lust came.

Lust like a tidal wave, hitting me hard. Jasper was messing with my emotions outside the door, sending me into a near frenzy.

"Cut it OUT!" I yelled. Bella made a move towards me, but I knew if she touched me, if I even looked at her….well, she'd be getting her one and only demand a lot sooner than she thought. I crossed the room in two strides and I ripped the door off its hinges in my attempt to get Jasper. I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. I knew I had to get my emotions in check. Jasper was staring at me, a look of pure, evil joy on his face.

"Jasper," I begged. I actually begged, "_Please."_

He put his hands out like he was going to touch me. I backed away, slowly, and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Jasper stood outside, sending out every frustrating, annoying emotion he could think of to accompany the lust waves. I was trapped.

Emmett's POV

I saw Edward come out of his bedroom, a look of pure torture on his face. Jasper was doing good, very good in fact. I kept up my thoughts of my sweet Rosalie, and as soon as I heard Edward slam the bathroom door, I sprang.

I ran up the stairs and into Edward's room. Bella was half off the bed, readying to go check on Edward when I grabbed her. I placed one hand around her mouth so she couldn't scream, the other around her waist before tucking her under my arm like a football. I dropped a piece of paper on the bed and charged down the stairs and out the back door to the garage and my jeep. I belted Bella in tight, knowing she was far too uncoordinated to successfully escape. I couldn't help the booming laughter that escaped as I drove off down the drive way as Jasper worked his magic on the third floor.

"Emmett, what are you doing!" Bella yelled at me as we headed down the driveway and onto the highway.

"Don't worry sis, nothing bad. Just sit back and chill." I headed south, not sure where I was headed.

"Emmett!" she yelled, pounding her fist into my right bicep.

"Bella, your gonna hurt yourself if you keep that up," I said casually. "Relax, little sis. We're just giving Edward a taste of his own medicine. He's been making us miserable now we're going to return the favor. Nothing bad, just some good, clean fun." I couldn't help but laugh at that last part. What Jasper was making Edward feel was anything but clean.

I tuned Bella out as I drove. She would rant and rage, but she was human. What could she do? She'd probably try to get me back after she'd changed, but hey, I could take her.

My cell phone rang and I checked the caller I.D.

I may be able to take Bella when she's a newborn, but the person at the end of the line was a completely different case all together. Scarier than any Volturi guard, scarier than an army of new borns, and definitely scarier than Alice on a shopping spree at Dior. She would be mad just because 

she'd have to listen to Edward and Alice complain. And I had forgotten; she was with Alice today. Alice-I-can-see-the-future Cullen.

"Damn…."

**A/N- Ok, so chapter two is here. I'm going on vacation (Yeah Disneyland!) this weekend for nearly two weeks of sunshine. I don't know if I'll have internet connection, so please forgive me if it takes a while to update. I will be writing chapters while I'm gone though. This is way too much fun. So Read, review, discuss. **

**If you review, you get the Cullen of your choice as a pet. If you don't, you become a pet of the Volturi. Possible a light snack. So review! Cheers!**


	3. Uh

**A/N- I'm BAAAAAAACK!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH**

**I don't own Twilight, or a Porshe….damn**

_Rosalie's POV_

"Emmett McCarty Cullen what the hell have you done?" I kept my voice low and dangerous. Alice was driving, still trying to reach Jasper as we flew down the road in her Porshe. Yelling inside the car was one of Alice's pet peeves. Especially since I broke the windshield in her last car…twice. So I settled for low and menacing, knowing full well that Emmett would feel the burn of my anger one way or another.

"Hey Rose. I haven't done anything. How 's the shopping trip going?" I heard his reply along with a female voice, Bella's, in the background.

"Liar."

"Rose, you wound me," he said. I heard a muffled shout and Emmett's response of, "Don't do that. Do you want a broken hand at your wedding?"

"Emmett, I want the truth. What are you doing with Bella? And why did Alice see Edward curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor dry sobbing?" Alice hadn't told me the whole vision before she raced out the store and started dialing so fast her phone started smoking.

"Rose, you know how you and I haven't had any _alone_ time lately?" I was silent as I waited for him to continue. "And I know that you've been just as frustrated as the rest of us in the house, so I thought a little pre-wedding vengeance was in order. Anyways, of all people I thought that you'd appreciate this more than anyone else." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

Damn that husband of mine. He had a point. I couldn't even look at him without hearing Edward gripe about how difficult we were making life for him. He's the one who had to fall in love with a human. Although I don't completely loath Bella anymore, I still think she's making a mistake. And now with the Volturi in the mix, there was no choice. She had to become one of us. Knowing she really has 

no other choice, it makes it just a little easier to swallow. Still…. If she only would have listened to me in the beginning. If Edward would have listened…._Edward_. Damn him. He's the reason I've been sucked into Wedding plans, and humans giving up everything wonderful for _this,_ and fighting newborns _with_ Werewolves. Although fighting the newborns was a fun way to pass the morning. To top it all off, he's also the reason I haven't been with my husband in _so long._

"Alright Emmett." I paused as I stole a glance at Alice. She was still dialing like a mad woman. Someone wasn't answering his phone. Jasper was going to get it. "Is it true Edward is trapped in a bathroom?" I smiled. Emmett could be so diabolical at times. I knew there was a reason I loved him.

_Alice's POV_

Rosalie had gotten through to Emmett and had gotten past her anger and was now wearing a smirk of her own. I knew she'd enjoy what they've done too much. Doesn't she realize how much of a _pain_ this is? How this is going to throw off my entire week?! I've got meetings with all sorts of vendors, plans to finalize, and Esme and I _have _to finish the seating arraignments. I don't have time to chase Emmett and Jasper all over creation to rescue the bride!

"Jasper, if you don't answer your phone you'll be wishing I never came back from Italy!" I hung up the phone and changed tactics. If I couldn't reach Jasper, then I'd just have to get a hold of the only other sympathetic ear I could. After all, they had just as much invested in these wedding plans as I do.

The phone rang and was answered on the second ring.

"Esme, we've got a problem…."

_Jasper's POV_

I heard Edward curl up on the floor and start to dry sob. My phone kept ringing but I knew better than to answer it. In fact, it only helped me in the task at hand. Every time I heard Alice's ring tone, I was able to send out a new wave of emotions. There was only one call I could afford to answer right now. Only then would I stop.

I eased up on the lust, and the frustration, and replaced it with depression, sadness, and just a hint of fear. Those should be feelings that human Grooms-to-be should be accustomed to. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.

"You ok in there, Edward?" I asked. All I heard was low string of profanities. Yep, Edward was going to kill me.

My phone rang again, only this time, it was the call I had been waiting for. I answered on the third ring. Before I could say a word though, I heard Edward laugh….Laugh?

Then I was sent flying down the hall, through a wall, skidding to a stop at the glass exterior wall. Above me was something worse than the Volturi Guard, worse than every newborn I had ever faced, 

worse than the battles of the Southern Vampire wars. This made Gettysburg look like a walk in the park. Above me stood one very angry, very vengeful, and slightly deranged pixie.

"Ah sh—"

_Emmett's POV_

"Ok Rose," now that I have Rosalie on our side I couldn't get her to stop talking. I hadn't decided where to take Bella for fear of that deranged pixie beating us there. I tried calling Jasper but all I heard was something that sounded like boulders crashing. That's how I knew Alice was home and Edward would come out hunting soon.

"I'll take care of Alice's interference. This will be good. I'll call you back." With that Rosalie had hung up the phone. I smiled to myself.

"Are you happ_y _with yourself?" Bella asked from her position in the front seat. She had stopped trying to beat me up after I pointed out the possibility of broken bones. And really, Edward would kill me if I returned her with any broken or missing pieces. Then she started to pout, staring out the window fuming. Now I think she had given in to the inevitable and was wondering when all of this would finally be over with.

"Yeah, actually. Come on Bella, this won't be all that bad. You get to hang out with me, your favorite brother." I smiled as I sneaked a peak at her. Her arms were crossed and she was staring out the windshield.

"Stupid vampires." She muttered. She turned in her seat, or, at least as well as she could before staring at me. "You know I'm going to get you after Edward changes me."

All I could do was laugh. Bella….pfffft….yeah, sure.

"Furthermore, _Emmett_…."she stopped when she saw the grin on my face. "Oh, why do I even bother? Fine, you've kidnapped me. You're making Edward miserable. Although, do you realize how miserable he is already with you guys constantly torturing him?" she paused for a beat. Finally she said quietly. "Where are we going?"

"Uh…."

**A/N- Ok Twilight boys and girls! I got internet access for one day and one day only. So I thought I'd update for all my favorite peeps. Can I just say, I love my reviewers! Ya'll are awesome!** **Over twenty reviews! Yay!! Don't worry, Emmett knows where he's going. Trust me on that. It's good. Any and all suggestions and reviews are loved!! :D **

**So, review and you get to beat the Vile Mike Newton with a stick till he cries for his mommy. Because we all know he would…If you don't review….You will be locked in a room with the Vile Mike Newton until you realize the errors of your ways. And there will be no chocolate covered hugs for you. So review, discuss, enjoy!**


	4. Oh Bella

**I don't own Twilight….again, damn. Or Ivars….double damn. I'm still on vacation, so please forgive me if the next update isn't till later this week. **

**I love my reviewers! Thanks to all of you, were near 40!! This is amazing! To name a few- thanks to starheartswirly, stormxgirl89, andaere, twilightmom67, K-Lawson, twilightfan1178, toxicwaffles (I love that name), Crystaldragon791, 3daygirl,lildrkcookie, and everyone else! (Sorry, I'm not patient enough to write everyone's names. But whether mentioned or not above, ya'll rock! Chocolate covered hugs and ding dongs to everyone!!**

_Alice POV_

"Don't. You. Dare." I snarled at my husband. The feeling of calm that started to wash over me quickly vanished. He laid on the floor before me. I saw myself reflected in his eyes and I've got to say….I liked it. Nothing beats making your vampire husband cower in fear from his shorter, tiny vampire wife. Behind me I heard the bathroom door open and Edward sidle up behind me.

I knew they had gotten to Rosalie as soon as she leapt from the car as soon as we turned into the drive and took off at full speed. That glint in her eyes meant that she was in on the plot. Emmett had gotten to her and she was plotting _with _them. Whatever happened to us fashionistas sticking together? Oh well, I would have seen it if I wasn't so preoccupied with trying to reach my very foolish, very stubborn husband. This is what happens when I leave him alone with _Emmett._

_Why can't I SEE!_ What did Rosalie _DO!_ I know it's her. Whatever caused the blind spots in my vision wasn't from Emmett and Jasper. Rosalie, with her infinite well of anger and vengeance on the other hand, could easily blindside me.

"Alice— " I raised a hand and Jasper fell instantly silent. I glowered down at him before falling into a crouch and placing one hand around his throat. With vampire speed and strength I lifted Jasper off the floor, holding him up in one hand as far as I could reach. Damn him….he's so tall. I couldn't raise my own husband off the floor with one hand when angry. Even with my strength. Damn long legs dragged against the gold carpet. His knees weren't even straight! Luckily Edward cheerfully assisted. Now with Jasper a full foot off the floor I stared up into his golden eyes.

"Why can't I see them?" I yelled.

_Rosalie POV_

I fled the car as soon as I hung up with Emmett and we had hit the drive. I took off, dialing as I headed towards the borderline. I can't believe I was doing this. But you know what, Edward liked those damn wolves so much, he can just deal with the rest of us playing with them.

As I ran the phone rang on the other end and a cheerful male voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Meet me at the borderline," I ordered. There was a stunned pause at the other end before he answered.

"Who is this?"

"Rosalie Hale. Look, I need—" I swallowed before I forced the words out, "Help with something. Just get there. And come as a human! No phasing!" I barked before hanging up. I continued to run through the green forest. Soon I picked up the scents of various _dogs_ and I knew I was close. I stopped suddenly, arriving at my destination.

I hated working with the dogs. But it was the only way I knew to block Alice's visions. To get back at Edward for the past three weeks, it was worth it. Even if I had to work with a _mutt._

I waited impatiently for that _mongrel_ to arrive. Finally he reached the borderline. We were just behind the first line of trees off the road leading into La Push. Seth Clearwater had shot up since he started phasing. The smell coming off him was atrocious.

"Er….hi?" He said like a question. Seth was surprised and a bit wary that I had asked him to meet me. Good, he should be.

"Look, I haven't a lot of time, but I need your help." I had already devised my plan to get the _mongrel_ to agree. The truth wasn't coming into play. I was going to LIE, and lie beautifully. "So we're planning a surprise for Edward. We can't have Alice know because….well if I get you involved then she can't see and Edward can't pluck the surprise from her mind. She's been careless with her thoughts as of late."

"Oh," Seth said, still confused as to why a vampire wants his help. But since the battle with the newborns, Seth had been more than willing to be friends with Edward and the family. He just wasn't prepared for _me _to come calling. "What kind of surprise?"

"For the wedding. It's more of a gift rather than a surprise." I smiled. A gift to the rest of us maybe. "Thus we need you. " I was getting irritated. The smell was truly foul. "Are you in or not?"

"Well…"Seth was contemplating. The wolves were on better terms, but still. The wedding was a sore spot because it signaled the end of Bella's life. But Seth liked us for some reason. Or at least Edward after they fought against that wild, red haired (and eyed) demon woman. "If it's a surprise for Edward and Bella, sure. What do I have to do?"

This was working better than I thought. I pulled my phone from my jacket pocket and called Emmett. I spoke low and fast, too fast for Seth to follow. I hung up and looked at Seth.

"Just wait for my call. Your involvement just sent Alice into a very blind, very uncomfortable spot." I handed over a small silver cell phone and reminded Seth no phasing till we were finished. I couldn't help but smile as I turned and headed back to my house.

_Emmett's POV_

"Excellent Babe," I hung up the phone and grinned at Bella. She eyed me warily.

"What is Excellent?" she asked.

I turned off I-5 and headed west through Seattle. "Alice won't be finding us anytime soon." I couldn't fight the laughter erupting from my chest. This was way better than I thought it could be.

A small look of panic crossed Bella's face before she smoothed out the furrows in her forehead. "And why is that?" Oh-ho, someone was betting on Alice.

"Because of my beautiful, smart Rosalie, Alice's visions of us have become off limits. " Bella frowned, and then a look of understanding flashed through her eyes. "EMMETT! WHO?" she yelled at me.

"Uh-uh. I'm not telling you." I couldn't stop the grin that was permanently plastered on my face. This was too good. "So, what do you want to do, Bella?" The point was to keep Bella away from Edward, not to torture Bella…well, torture her anymore than we already were.

"Oh, I get a say in this mess, do I?" she spat. We were stopped at a red light in downtown Seattle. The windows were down and I could smell the salt off the sound. We were near the Waterfront. On Bella's side of the car was a large truck with two guys staring through the open passenger window. Bella didn't give them a second glance as she sat fuming. She kept her eyes forward and her martyred expression in place.

"Hey baby, if your not happy with him—" my laughter cut off whatever else the human driver was saying. They were hitting on _Bella._ Her face turned a deep, strawberry shade. I couldn't breath from how hard I was laughing. If I could cry I would. The driver's face changed from confident to confused to upset. Bella slid down in her seat as far as she could. The guy's buddy laughed as hard as I did. He didn't like this. He started revving his engine and I grinned. Thank God Rosalie loved me and engines.

The light turned green and we were off. They hadn't even left the light before we turned right onto the Waterfront. Nothing could beat my Jeep. Bella clutched her harness straps as she slid around in her seat. Her eyes were wide and she stared at me.

"What was that?!" she half yelled.

"Just a race. Showing the humans who's the boss." Bella just stared at me. "Come on," I said, grinning. "You've got to admit that was fun. Especially with them hitting on you like that."

Bella didn't say anything. However, her left cheek lifted slightly.

That's when I heard it.

It was a low growl. I turned to Bella, but she just looked at me bewildered.

"What?" she asked as I stared at her.

"Why did you growl at me? I mean, it was pretty funny." That's when I heard the growl again. It was definitely coming from Bella. She had heard it this time and her face turned an even deeper shade of red.

"How did you do that?" I asked. It was like the low rumble of thunder off in the distance.

"Emmett," she whispered in a plea. "I didn't do anything." The third rumble had me staring at her. She rubbed her stomach and realization dawned on me.

"Oh, you're hungry." I couldn't help but laugh again. Humans were so funny. Bella just glanced at me, slightly embarrassed.

"Yes, you dragged me off before lunch and I didn't eat breakfast." She said quietly.

I turned into a parking lot across from a seafood place. Feeding the human was a part of stealing the human. We crossed the street and Bella ordered clam chowder from Ivars and we sat by the waterfront as she ate. That's when inspiration hit me.

Humans are fragile.

Humans are weak.

And in this case, Humans need protecting.

What better place to protect a human than a Fort.

I grinned wide. Wider than I should have. A nearby Seagull (damn rats with wings) fell off its perch on the railing in its battle to escape. A small child starred from across the deck with wide eyes, frozen with fear. Bella looked up at me and immediately grimaced.

"Emmett…" she trailed off, knowing she wasn't going to like what came next.

"Oh Bella…" I grinned wickedly. This was going to be great.

**A/N- Ok, if any of you are from Washington, or are familiar with Washington, then you might be able to guess which Fort Emmett is thinking of taking Bella. Oh, and one word….paintballs….muahahahah.**

**So review and discuss…..and review….PREASE!! If you review, you will get a free wish from the deranged pixie….not Alice, I mean the other deranged pixie….short, blonde, hang's a kid named Pan. If you don't review, then the other deranged pixie will give you a makeover in your sleep…before letting the Vile Mike Newton have his way with you and then sending photographic evidence to Jessica Stanley. Then, well….I can't help you once she starts hunting. She's a lot like James in that respect. So review, and you won't be bothered with Mike-Schmike and Jessica won't try to rip your eyes from your head. Cheers till next time!**

__

_**Things I learned about the south from my sister in Florida.**_

_**She's been called a yankee ten times (in one week).**_

_**All the oranges are from south Africa.**_

_**Everyone likes to drink.**_

_**Everyone drives fast.**_

_**Half the women are pregnant.**_


	5. This is perfect

**I don't own Twilight, Prada, GI Joe's, Fort Casey, or anything else I may mention. But I do use S. Meyer's characters to do my bidding. Muahahahahah. **

**Oh a side note, my computer crashed…I lost everything….the funeral was yesterday…I was sad…because among all my music, movies, and photos, every writing project was lost as well. Cue angry eyes. Errrrgh….Anyways, here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy. And can I just say, I love my readers! I love my reviewers! Ya'll are beyond awesome, beyond amazing, beyond cool. You're my reader/reviewers and can I just say, ya'll rock. Oh, and we've reached 65 reviews. In just four chapters! I'm told (as this is my first fanfic) that that is pretty freakin' awesome. I'm just happy someone out there is reading and not trying to send me therapy bills for any and all unintended mental stress this fanfic may have caused. I heart ya'll. Readers and reviewers alike! THANK YOU!!**

_Edward's POV_

Jasper sat low in the center of the couch. Behind him stood Alice, her arms crossed, glowering at the back of his head. She spoke low into her cell phone. Across from Jasper, in an armchair sat Rosalie. Her legs were crossed and she sat tall. I could hear her thoughts, as shallow as a puddle as she mulled over her own perfection. Esme sat perched on the chair's arm. Her thoughts were colored with worry, and something I couldn't quite identify, as she glanced from each of her children's faces.

"Rose, where is she?" I asked again, for the last time. I knew it was futile. She didn't know where Emmett was. But maybe, if I kept asking, she'd get annoyed enough and let something slip. Something that may not seem important to her. Like background noise from her phone conversations, or some off hand remarks made by Emmett. Hell, just the name of the wolf she got involved in this mess would help. We knew that is where she went, it was the only known reason Alice could not see.

"Sorry Edward," she sighed. The self-examination of her own perfection didn't break once. I turned to Alice. She slammed the phone shut and tossed it at the back of Jasper's head. It shattered into small, silver pieces.

"Nothing. No one is answering their phones!" she ranted. "They have phones! Why won't they answer!?" Jasper visible flinched as a wave of desperation and frustration hit him from behind.

"Its ok dear," Esme said encouragingly. She gave me a sympathetic look. _We'll find her. Emmett won't let anything happen to her, dear._ I gave her a simple nod, but I could not completely trust her judgment of Emmett's abilities to keep my Bella safe….my _Bella_….

Again, Jasper cringed. _Edward…._ He sighed in his head.

"Don't ask me any favors right now, Jazz." I spat. He gripped the edge of the couch as he tried to maintain control.

This gave me an idea. We could not do anything until someone in La Push was contacted. Then and only then could we call off the wolf who was involved. But if we were stuck here, _waiting,_ why not 

get a little justice. Jasper cringed, probably from the feeling of utter glee emanating off me. Alice gasped audibly. She leaned down low beside Jasper's ear.

"If you ever wish to set foot in my bedroom again, you won't move an inch off this couch." She grinned at me.

What was that human phrase I kept hearing at school…Payback's a bitch.

_Oh Bella…._

_Bella's POV_

We were stopped at a camping supply store off of highway 20. Emmett had a permanent fool's grin on his face as he slung me over his shoulder and carried me inside the store. He didn't care what other people thought. He wasn't letting me any chance of escape. Once inside he dumped me into one trolley, grabbed a second,and took off towards the camping gear. He started throwing supplies on top of me, and into the second trolley.

"Emmett, why do we need sleeping bags?" I asked as he debated, actually _debated_ between a red sleeping bag and a blue. Finally he threw the blue into the trolley beside me and took off down the aisle towards a giant display of canteens.

"Because Bella, I don't think Edward would be pleased if I returned you colder than us. Nope, you don't get that privilege till after your wedding." Emmett smirked at me. I cringed.

"Don't remind me," I grumbled.

Emmett continued his joyful shopping spree, reminding me a lot of Alice when she dragged me to Seattle last time. Emmett had a plan, and it was not looking good for me. There was no way I could escape and try to call anyone. He wasn't letting me out of his sight.

That's when genius hit me. Something Emmett had once said to me. He had called be diabolical. He had no idea.

_If_ I could get away from Emmett, then I could try to call someone. Nearly everyone has cell phones these days. And most people would gladly let you use them in case of an emergency. And if this wasn't an emergency, then what was?

And I had the perfect reason to be alone. I was _human._

"Emmett?"I said quietly, "I need a human minute."

"Hu_h_?" Emmett asked distractedly. He had found the paintball aisle and was too distracted to pay attention.

"A human minute. You know, humans aren't as indestructible as you guys. We have _needs_, like the need for a bathroom."

"Oh," he said. "Ok." He scooped dozens of packages into the second trolley and headed towards the back of the store.

"Emmett, why do you havepaintballs, but no paintball guns?" I was momentarily distracted by this thought.

His fool's grin got wider. Was that even possible?

"Oh Bella. Unlike weak, fragile humans, we don't need guns to send things flying thru the air fast and hard." The trolley stopped and he picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder and began pushing open the women's bathroom door.

"Emmett!" I yelled. "You can't go in here! Other women use this bathroom! _I_ need to use this bathroom! Put me down!"

Emmett looked murderous at the thought of letting me out of sight for a minute, but he caved.

"Alright," he set me down and pushed me gently through the door. "No funny business, Bella."

The door closed and I leaned against the sink. The far stall was occupied. A purse sat on the floor, and I could see a pink cell phone laying in the open bag. Perfect.

A moment later I heard a toilet flush and a tall blonde girl, no more than twenty, come out and wash her hands.

"Excuse me," I said. "I was wondering if you have a cell phone on you? I forgot mine, and my brother is being a real pain not letting me use his. He's on this whole family-bonding trip right now and I really need to call our parents. They're going to freak not knowing where we are. We left kind of spur of the moment to go camping."I smiled as warmly as I could.

It must have worked because she smiled."Sure, I know what a pain brothers can be. My older brother Gideon tried taking me camping once. After the tent went up in flames, well…." She trailed off as she handed me the ridiculously pink phone. "that's why I'm here. I owe him a new tent."

"Thanks," I muttered as I flipped the phone open started dialing. That's when the bathroom doors burst open.

The girl beside me froze out of shock. Whether it was from the fact that a random man was standing in the doorway with a fool's grin on his face, or the fact that the random man was a completely gorgeous vampire, I couldn't tell. Emmett stared at me, and his fool's grin turned evil.

"Bella," he closed the distance between us in two strides and plucked, yes _plucked, _the phone from my hands. He threw me over his shoulder and tossed the phone at the blonde.

I didn't get the chance to hear the first ring.

_Alice POV_

My Jasper was clutching his head. His eyes were wide and wild. Every emotion Edward and I were sending at him was causing him to spiral into a panic. He had curled up, much like Edward had, on the couch in the fetal position. Whoa, did he just twitch?

That's when Edward's phone rang.

Just one simple ring, and Edward had the tiny silver phone to his ear. We could all hear the voice on the other end of the phone. It was just a second, and then nothing. But in that second we had what we needed.

We heard Emmett.

We had a number.

We had a lead.

Edward and I stopped throwing emotions at Jasper as Edward hit send. The phone on the other end rang twice before a woman's voice came over the line.

Edward spoke quickly. I heard a female describe Bella asking to use her phone. Something about reaching her parents because her brother had kidnapped her for some random family bonding camping trip. Edward asked where they were, and she replied Mt. Vernon. He shut the phone quickly and smiled at me. Jasper sat up.

"We're going to Mt. Vernon." He said.

_Rosalie's POV_

_No,_I thought internally as I exchanged a glance with Jasper. _Damn it, Bella!_ Edward cast me a murderous glare. I stared at Jasper. They couldn't get her back this quickly_. _We had to beat them.

Jasper must have felt the determination coming from me, because he barely nodded and glanced out the window towards the garage. I made sure to keep the silent agreement out off the forefront of my mind. Instead I thought of Emmett, three weeks ago…

"Rosalie!" that was what I needed, Edward was distracted. "Stay. here. Esme, please."Edward sent her a pleading look, asking her to keep us here. He and Alice took off to the Volvo and raced down the drive.

When I was sure he was out of ear shot I looked at Jasper.

"So?" I said. "Your already in trouble…." I let the words trail off.

"Rosalie, please dear," Esme said, but there was no fight in her words. She hated to see us fight, but I think she secretly was enjoying this. Jasper gave her a strange look. As if to confirm my suspicions 

she gave us a disapproving glance and said, "I'm going upstairs. Don't torment your siblings too much." And she was gone.

" She feels...joyful,'' he said incredulously. Jasper stared for a moment before continuing, " I think she's enjoying this…why?"

I stood up. "Who cares why, we need to get to Emmett before they do. Lets go."

_Emmett's POV_

"I think that's everything," I said as I started the jeep and headed west on Highway 20. Bella sat fuming in her seat, glaring between me, the windshield, and the overflowing back seat. We had stopped at GI Joe's for camping gear and defense weapons. Bella had said she needed a 'human minute' so I walked to the bathrooms. Inside I heard her try to talk a woman into letting her use her phone before I burst through the door. Bella was fighting dirty. I could not be more proud.

I drove fast, speeding down the highway towards the fort. Wkidde had had a war game at Fort Casey a few months back, and it was perfect for defending a frail human.

We made the drive in record time.

"What. Is. That?" Bella asked slowly, staring out at the Fort.

The three story, massive green structure lay before us. It was located on Whidbey Island, overlooking the ocean. It was isolated, deserted, and was perfect. With three guard towers that gave optimal views of all access points, there would be no way they could sneak up on us. Bella would be protected. And there was no coverage from enemy paintballs for the vampires below.

"This…" I said slowly, "Is perfect."

**A/N- Ok, here's the next chapter. Tell me what you think. My mind keeps wandering ahead to the fight scene, so forgive me if it isn't the best. There's just sooo much I wanted to put in. So, like I've said before, please, discuss and review. I like reviews. They make me happy. And I need all the happy I can get in this time of mourning….my poor laptop….all my music….my writing PROJECTS…. Ugh. Le sigh. Anyways, if you review, you get not only another chapter, but you get pie. Really good pie. If you don't, then I feed your pie to Loca. And she likes pie. (No joke, that's my mum's nickname after this last road trip. We also have a Paco and Le Weirdo.) So review and you get pie! Enjoy kiddies! Cheers!**


	6. I liked the Jonas Bros Dont tell Rose

**I don't own twilight, Fort Casey, or anything else that is blatantly, obviously NOT MINE.  
Muahahah. So, here we go, I hope ya'll enjoy. And again, I LOVE MY REVIEWERS!  
YA'LL ARE AMAZING! Just to name a few: pff401, starheartswirly, orphanashley, mz.edwardcullen95, DustyDreamer, Crystaldragon791, his gem, desmatia, kastille,  
and everyone else-YA'LL ROCK! You make me so happy with over 80 reviews. And a special shout out to inlovewithedward1218 for saying that this is their (male? female? hermaphodite? either way you rock) second favortie Twilight fanfic EVER! You made me so happy I actually smiled. Please forgive any and all typos as my computer crashed and I still don't have my microsoft word up and running. This is all written on Notepad...ergh...so on with the games my pretties!**

_Esme's POV_

I know I should have kept Jasper and Rosalie here, but I couldn't. I was secretly happy that they were including Bella as part of the family. Letting her join in the little things they do as a family. Even if it is kidnapping the Chief of Police' daughter.  
Espcially Rosalie. I know she's not completely sold on the idea of Bella becoming one of us. But her helping Emmett and Jasper is just another small step towards her accepting Bella as a sister. Or at the least a friend.  
That and...poor Edward. I do feel bad for him. My first born. But I can't blame his siblings for acting out. And nothing bad will happen to Bella, I'm sure of it. It's just good, clean fun.  
I picked up the phone and dialed. The other end rang twice before a velvet voice answered.  
"Dr. Cullen"  
"Carlisle dear, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie have kidnapped Bella as revenge against Edward.  
Edward and Alice are out hunting them down right now. Jasper and Rose have gone to stop them"  
There was a short pause.  
"I'm on my way home."

_Edward's POV_

We sped along I-5 northbound, as Alice continued to try and reach the wolfpack. We were nearly to Mt. Vernon, a tiny town north of Seattle. The exit came up on us quick and I darted between two semi's and barely made the exit. GI Joe's was right beside the freeway. A quick right, followed by an immediate left and we were parked outside the front door to the store. Alice slammed the phone closed with an exasperated sigh.  
"Edward!" she whined. I opened my door and let a small breeze waft through the Volvo.  
Alice stopped mid-whine. We both smelled it. She thru open her door and was by my side in an instant.  
We looked around, but there was no sign of Emmett's jeep. But they had defiantely been here.

Alice looked at me and we headed inside.

_Jasper's POV_

Rosalie and I headed north through the woods, running as fast as we could. I pulled out my cell phone and waited for Emmett to pick up. We knew he was in Mt. Vernon an hour ago, but now, he could be anywhere.  
"Joe's Mortuary, you stab em' we slab em'. Would you like to hear today's specials?" "Emmett," I growled low, "Why did you let Bella near a phone"  
"Idiot!" Rosalie yelled beside me.  
"Hey," Emmett said,"Bella said she needed a human moment. I decided to be gentlemanly and let her use the bathroom alone. See what happen's when I try to be a gentleman." I heard Bella sigh in the background and mumble something low. Emmett's loud laugh filled my ear.  
"Yeah, well Edward and Alice were able to track down the owner and now their headed to Mt. Vernon. Alice can't see, thanks to Rose, but still. Where are you"  
"Remember our last war game a few months ago?" Emmett said. I could hear the evil in his voice. I remembered the location well. Rosalie heard every word and she flashed an evil grin. I swear when she did that she looked like Emmett. They really were well matched.  
"My Emmett is a genius!" she said. I couldn't help but smile too. Emmett really was a genius. Especially because Fort Casey had a million hiding places. It was perfect for a tactical defense.  
"We'll be there soon, coming in from the sound." I hung up the phone.  
"You know there's going to be a fight right?" I looked over at Rosalie.  
She grinned. "Oh yes. And Jasper, I really don't mind the fact that we'll be fighting to _keep _Bella with us." Rosalie was enjoying this too much. We veered northeast and soon reached the ocean. Without stopping we headed into the surf towards Fort Casey.

_Emmett's POV_

I had Bella with me in the center tower. Along with the entire arsenal of paintballs, a mini-space heater and some food. Bella sat on the floor, staring at a crack in the wall. The other supplies were in the lighthouse just North of us. That's also were I parked the jeep, incase we had to make a quick escape.  
But there was NO WAY Edward and Alice were getting by us.  
"Rose and Jasper will be here soon." I smiled. I hadn't had this much fun in SOOO LOOONG. It was worth getting Alice and Edward riled up.  
"Oh great," she muttered. "COme on Bella," I coaxed out of her as I sat down beside her on the cold floor. "Lighten' up. THings are going great." She still frowned at me. I felt bad. I didn't want her sad, I just wanted Edward to taste his own medicine. "You know, your little phone stunt gave Edward and Alice a lead." Her eyes lit up. "Now there headed to Mt. Vernon trying to find us." I couldn't stop smiling. I knew they would find us, no doubt about that. I just didn't know when. "That left Jazz and Rose unguarded." she scowled.  
"Bella, I got to say, your little 'human minute' stunt actaully helped." Now she looked at me like I was insane. "Really, now the paintball war to end all paintball wars will start that much sooner."

Bella sighed and gently hit her the back of her head against the concrete wall behind her.  
"Why Emmett? Why do I have to have a brother, no sorry, _BROTHERS_ that finds stealing people away from their boyfriends and holding them hostage against their will FUN? And why does everything come down to an epic paintball battle? Do vampires like pretty colors or something? Am I going to have a paintball addiction after I'm changed"  
Ah, Bella remembered the last time we played capture the flag. By the time we were finnished, everyone except Bella, was splattered in the colors of the rainbow. Edward more than anyone. He was scared that we'd hurt Bella, even if we were throwing them at human speed. Me and Carlisle had actually made a target on his back out of red and white paint. Alice kept trying to spell things out. It was hilarious.

"Yes Bella," I said with the straightest face I could manage. "ONce your turned, you will be obsessed with shopping, paintballs, and the disney star of the week." she starred at me and then scowled.  
"Thats why I found a copy of Cosmogirl in the back of your jeep last month?" she said.  
"Yes, because I have a thing for the Jonas brothers, don't tell Rose." I joked.

That was it. The corners of her lips twitched. Slowly a grin cracked her face.  
Then a laugh escaped.  
Soon Bella was rolling on the floor, clutching her sides. I couldn't help it. Humans are funny when they laugh. Especially Bella.  
Soon I was rolling beside her.

Alice's POV

We made our way through the sliding doors and immediately caught the Bella's scent on a trolley.  
For some reason, Emmett had put her IN the trolley. I suppose to Emmett, it made sense.  
"They were here." Edward growled low. We hadn't reached the cash register when I whipped my head around.  
A tall blond was dragging a man that could only be her brother through the front doors.  
"If you don't like the tent I bought, Gideon, then you can pick out a new one. I told you camping and me don't mix." I could smell Bella on her. So could Edward.  
"Excuse me," Edward crossed the space between us and them in two seconds. "Did you see a slender brunette with a big weightlifter type here?" Edward was forgetting all manners and relying on his beauty. The poor girl just starred.  
"Uh huh," she sighed, slightly nodding her head.  
"Do you know where they went?" he asked urgently. The girl's brother just starred at him. I could tell he wanted to run. Thats when Edward's phone rang. I quickly answered, not bothering to look at the I.D.  
"Hello?" "Uh, hi, this is Seth. I'm trying to get a hold of Rosalie." I heard the gentle voice of Seth Clearwater.  
"Yes!" I hissed. Finally someone in the pack is on a phone! Wait, why is he calling Edward?  
"Seth, why are you calling Edward?" I asked.  
"Because Rosalie asked me to get involved with...something. I'm not sure what. So you couldn't see. She said it was a surpise for Edward and Bella's wedding. She didn't want-" I cut him off.  
"How did you get this number?" I asked.  
"Rosalie gave me her phone and it was programed in. No one else was answering, so I just kept trying every number. I've got to go out on patrol. I needed to let Rosalie know-" Edward stared at me as he snatched the phone from my grasp.  
"Seth, Rosalie isn't here." I could hear the fury behind the smooth facade of his voice.  
"Do me a favor and stop helping Rosalie. She and Emmett kidnapped Bella as a joke and now," I could see a visable grimace furrow his smooth features, "We're stuck in a game of keep away. I would appreciate this if you would stop being INVOLVED so Alice could see"  
I heard Seth's reply as if I was talking to him. "Sure, no problem Edward. Sorry about messing with Alice. I didn't know"  
"Thank you." Edward hung up the phone. I started looking as we left the blond and her brother gaping at us. We got into the Volvo and suddenly, I could see perfectly.  
Edward sped out of the carpark and west onto Highway 20 towards the setting sun and Fort Casey.

**A/N- Ok, I know its not the epic battle of paintball to end all epic battles of paintball, but I promise, thats next chapter.  
So, if you want the epic battle of paintball, you SHALL REVIEW!! And you'll like it...because reviewing is fun.  
So, review and you get the next chappy and you get to be locked in a room with your favorite Cullen for five minutes.  
If you don't review, you'll be locked in a room with Mike and Lauren for twenty minutes...shudders that scares me even. And I'm the one making the threats. So, I give my word that the paintball battle of Awesomeness shall be posted within the next TWO DAYS! So have patience young ones. Oh, and how do you like Esme's reasons for letting Jasper and Rosalie escape? Hmmm...now I have ideas. Muahahahah. So, read, review, and enjoy!**


	7. taste the fanfreakintastic rainbow

I don't own twilight, Fort Casey, or anything else that is blatantly, obviously NOT MINE

**I stole the characters of Twilight to do my bidding….Mmmmm….twilight men…..Sadly though, S. Meyers won't let me keep them. Because I own nothing….le sigh. I don't own GI Joe's either…or anything BCBG…how sad…**

**So readers/reviewers/people of Awesomeness-I have reviews. I have OVER 90 reviews…in six chapters….I'm gobsmacked….I'm so happy I almost smiled…May I repeat that I love each and everyone of you, in a non-creepy-psycho way. More in a, I-love-my-fellow-human-vampires-werewolves-other-mythical-creatures-for-reviewing-way. So, bring on the Skittles! Oh, I mean paintballs! **

**May Edward taste the fan-freakin'-tastic rainbow….muahahahah.**

_Jasper's POV_

Rosalie and I had reached Fort Casey just in time to find Emmett and Bella laying on the floor of the center guard tower. Both were grinning. This is not what I expected.

"You two ok?" I asked, staring at them both. "Shouldn't you be…angry?" I asked Bella.

"Oh, Jasper. Bella can never stay mad at us," Emmett said, pulling himself off the ground. Rosalie wrapped her arms around his waist. Bella sat up, looking at me with an odd glint in her eyes. There was excitement and another emotion coming off of her. It was almost as bad as feeling evil come off of Emmett. Was that…no. She wouldn't…

"What's the plan?" Rosalie asked, leaning against Emmett.

"Well, three guard towers…three defenders…enough paintballs to span from sea to shining sea…" Emmett smiled wickedly. I looked at the towers 400 yards on either side of the center. I could see stacks of paintball cases lining the walls. I couldn't help but grin.

This would be epic.

_Alice's POV_

Just as quickly as the vision came, it was gone.

"Edward, stop at the next GI Joe's." I said. We were in Oak Harbor, barreling down highway 20. Edward made a sharp right and slid in the parking lot before I had finished my request.

Edward just looked at me.

I looked at him.

His face twisted into an evil grin.

"Your one very deranged pixie," he said as he opened his door.

"It's a gift." I replied as we each grabbed a trolley and headed inside.

_Emmett's POV_

The sun had set and we were cast into darkness. The moon was high, casting a blue light on the fort. At least, that's what humans saw.

Each of us in our respected towers, armed to the hilt with paintballs. In the distance we could hear campers laughing around their fires; I could hear a forest ranger snoring peacefully. Damn he's loud.

Fort Casey was officially closed for the night.

To humans that is.

But to mythical creatures, that was a different story all together.

"Any idea when they'll get here?" Rosalie asked from her tower to the right.

"No," I answered back to the love of my existence.

"Bad Emmett, no Jonas Brothers," Bella mumbled in her sleep. She was curled up on the floor beside me, wrapped in the sleep bag I had bought earlier today.

"What the-" I heard Rose mutter before being cut off by Jasper's chuckles.

"What did you do to her Em?" Jasper asked from the left.

"Do I want to know?" Rose asked incredulously.

"It was a joke." I muttered. I knew then and there that Rose and Jasper would be ragging me about the Jonas Brothers for a very long time.

"No more Cosmogirl….damn rainbow obsessed vampires…" Bella turned over in her sleep. "Edward…I don't want to taste the rainbow…"

Rose gave me a hard stare from her tower before her body was racked with laughs.

Jasper was holding his sides, trying desperately not to collapse from laughter.

I would _never hear_ the end of this.

_Rosalie's POV_

Bella was mumbling in her sleep. It was, quite frankly, more amusing that I thought it would be. Apparently she and my husband had some explaining to do.

Why would she want to taste the rainbow?

And when did Emmett start liking those Disney star freaks?

Would he start to have a crush on Demi Lovato?

_He better not have a crush on that midget Demi Lovato!_

Oh, forget it. Emmett would never stray. He has me.

So where did Jonas Brothers and Cosmogirl come from?

Who cares! I know what Emmett's getting for Christmas!

I was laughing so hard I almost missed it. The gentle purr of a familiar Volvo in the distance. They were maybe two miles out.

"They're here." I hissed as I sank into a defensive crouch.

Perfect.

_Edward's POV_

We were within two miles of the fort. I could hear my siblings thoughts. Apparently Rose was wondering why Emmett would like Demi Lovato.

Who's Demi Lovato?

Jasper on the other hand found my Bella's nightly musing quite humorous.

Something about tasting the rainbow and Jonas Brothers.

I parked the car underneath the canopy of two giant evergreens and Alice and I quietly got out. We each grabbed a duffle bag.

"Are you ready?" I whispered.

_Yes_. She thought. She had a look of determination on her face. _The sooner we get Bella-._ Alice was swept into a vision involving Jasper and the left hand tower. We both growled low. _Jasper will PAY for his defiance! _She shrieked in her, or I should say, our minds.

Her right hand swiftly stroked the top of her cheekbones before throwing me a small tin can. I looked at her incredulously. _What_? She thought. I'm _just playing the part. You should too_. She stared at me.

"Alice, there's no time-"

_Don't Alice me. We are going into enemy territory and you're trying to Alice me! NO!_ she hissed.

Alice was getting into this a little too much.

I opened the jar and quickly smudged the black grease under each eye. She smiled her deranged pixie smile and ran full tilt towards Fort Casey. She was also singing a very annoying version of Barbie Girl in Korean in her head.

My heart dropped.

Alice was out for vengeance.

Alice was also blocking me.

What was she plotting?!

I took off after my highly volatile sister.

This would be interesting.

_Jasper's POV_

I heard Edward cursing low in the distance. In Emmett's tower I felt a wave of glee and anticipation roll out. After a tense moment of silence we saw them.

Two figures broke from the tree line and slowed to a more human pace as they headed down the gravel road.

In front was a short, dark haired figure. Ah, Alice. How she was going to kill me once she discovered I was here. I could see the look on her face as she stared at my tower.

_Damn, she knows._

But we came in from the ocean.

We were downwind.

There's no way she could get our scents.

Unless….

"Rose!" I muttered, knowing she could hear me. "Your little distraction is out of the picture!"

I heard a low grumble from the far tower and a string of profanities emit from Rosalie's lips.

"Yes Jasper. Seth more than willingly disengaged himself from our family dispute." Edward's cool voice echoed over the manicured lawns and up to the towers.

"Edward. Alice." Emmett acknowledged them from the center tower.

"Give her back, Emmett." Edward replied. His hands were clutching an open duffle bag. The strap was slung across his chest, with the bag resting in the front.

"Sorry brother," Emmett said gleefully. "I can't do that. Me and Bella are having tons of fun."

"Jasper! If you want ANY leniency with me, you'll return Bella to me! NOW!" Alice yelled at me. "I'm only asking once." She too had a duffle bag slung across her small frame. Ah Alice…what was under their eyes?...was that Black grease?

"Trying to be mini-Rambo?" Rosalie hollered out.

Alice cast death glares at Rosalie's tower.

"Rose! You went to the dark side! How can I trust you again!" Alice wailed. I couldn't help but chuckle. "We were supposed to be a united front against the boys!"

"Emmett!" Edward hollered, too quiet for humans, more than loud enough for us. "Final chance. Give her back."

Emmett stood still for a moment, mulling over his options. I tensed.

Emmett was ready for a fight.

Let the games begin.

_Emmett's POV_

I stood stalk still as Edward gave his final warning. This was going to be EPIC.

"Well?" Edward asked.

I answered with three lime green paintballs flying in succession at Edward's face. He dodged the first two, but the third found its mark.

"NEVER!" I boomed from my position in the center tower.

The War was on!

Edward stood dumbfounded for half a second before launching a torrent of yellow paintballs at my tower. I ducked low, the balls sailing through the watchtower window, before splattering on the wall behind me.

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" Rosalie yelled, flinging red paintballs at Alice and Edward below. Jasper began a steady torrent of blue paintballs from his post in the third tower.

Alice and Edward split, Alice feigning left, Edward right, continuing their assault of yellow and pink paintballs at all three towers.

Alice danced between the incoming splatters as she made her way towards Jasper's tower. I could see blue splatters erupting along the lawn as Jasper launched his paintballs at his wife. I could hear Jasper mutter to himself.

"Never should have taught her how to dodge and weave. Damn newborns…"

I laughed as I aimed a green paintball at Alice right when Jasper launched a blue one at her. She ducked from my assault, but was hit square in the chest by Jasper. I heard an audible gasp as she stopped for a fraction of a second and stared down at her black top.

"JASPER!" she yelled.

Oh was he in for it.

I turned my attention to Edward as he made his way to the stairs leading up to Rosalie's tower. She ducked an incoming streak of yellow as Edward approached the base. I launched a steady stream of paintballs at Edward as he skirted around the base towards the stairs access.

"Emmett! Where is he!" Rosalie hissed.

"Approaching the stairs!" I hollered. That's when I heard a low growl come from the base of Rosalie's stairs. She launched a torrent of paintballs at Edward as he raced up the stairs. I saw my precious Rose gather up as many paintballs as she could carry and run backwards across the widow's walk to the upper level of the fort.

"ALICE! NO!"

_Alice's POV_

With Emmett's help, Jasper ruined my new BCBG top. My new, black, form fitting, never before worn top. Not only would he pay, he'd be paying for the next decade.

I skirted around the paintballs, not really caring if they hit me now that my beautiful top was ruined. I continued my steady launch up into the tower. I could see Jasper's blond hair tinged pink in the dim moonlight. I rounded the base of the tower and stood at the bottom of the stairs.

Jasper stared down at me, four paintballs in his hand, a fool's grin plastered to his face. He looked like Emmett up to no good.

My dear Jasper was in his element.

This was a war zone.

He was on the defense.

Poor Jasper…

He never stood a chance.

He of all people should have known.

"Jasper."

"Alice, love." He said, still grinning.

I mustered up all the love and lust I could and sent it up the stairs. He fought it. Oh, he tried. But he faltered. This gave me the chance I needed. I raced up the stairs at lightening speed.

I disarmed him before he could process the change of emotions. I was no longer thinking loving thoughts of my husband.

He knew it.

"Jasper, the only thing that beats an empath military man is his psychic wife."

I stood back, blocking the stairs. There was no widow's walk leading to this tower. I reached into my bag and let loose my entire arsenal of paintballs.

"ALICE! NO!" he wailed.

_Emmett's POV_

Jasper never stood a chance.

Edward was stalking Rosalie across the widow's walk. They both were pelting the other with paintballs left and right. Rosalie was a yellow statue. Edward was a tribute to the color red. He looked like he tried to take down an Elephant and lost.

We had to run.

Rose threw me a glance before jumping over the edge of the widow's walk, Edward following after.

I took my advantage, slung both bags of paintballs over my yellow and pink hair, and threw Bella, sleeping bag and all, over my shoulder. I raced across my own tower's widow's walk and into the main construct of the fort.

Hopefully I could make it to the jeep.

_Bella's POV_

I woke up running.

Or, to be more accurate, I was slung over someone's shoulder, watching the watchtower shrink behind me.

"Hey!" I said groggily.

"Hey Bella!" I heard Emmett's low voice full of excitement.

"What's going on?" I faltered as he ran along a metal grate. Below me I could see dark shadows of concrete below.

"The deranged pixie took out the empath confederate, and lover boy is chasing my Rose south."

My brain was still fogged with sleep. It took me a moment to process this. We were heading down metal stairs and turning North across the well kept lawns. I saw Jasper leaping out a small window in the far northern tower. Alice followed. Behind them I saw a streak of red in the moonlight, followed by a streak of yellow. They were coming at us fast.

"Why do they look like a Crayola factory exploded in their faces?" I murmured, still half asleep. Emmett laughed. I couldn't shake the dream I had. I was trapped in a skittles factory with my vampire family. Emmett was trying to get me to eat the disgusting candies, and Edward was just standing there, grinning. Saying soothing things, like, "its ok Bella. This is a human experience I'm not letting you miss."

My arms rested on an open duffle bag, full of paintballs. This was just like our last war game. I held onto the bag as Emmett ran North.

Behind us the red streak was catching up, fast.

I thought it looked like Jasper.

I reached into the bag, just as the red streaked caught up.

I launched the paintballs at him.

_Edward's POV_

Rosalie jumped the railing and headed south, away from the towers. I gave chase. She was covered head to toe in yellow paint. I looked like a newborn on his first hunt.

_'Oh Emmett…' _Rosalie's thoughts screamed in my head. A very disturbing image made me slow.

"Fighting dirty I see," I yelled at her.

That's when I heard it.

Alice.

'_Emmett's taking off with Bella. Their heading north towards the lighthouse….JASPER don't you dare jump out that- ARGH!_

I spun around and sprinted north. I could see a pink and yellow haired Emmett racing off with a blue sleeping bag across his shoulder.

_My Bella…._

Behind me I heard Rosalie turn and give chase.

"No you don't!" I heard her yell.

I quickly neared Emmett; I could see Bella's beautiful face. She looked half asleep. Emmett must have woken her.

That's when I heard her angelic voice.

"Taste the fan-freakin-tastic RAINBOW!"

Then I was hit in the face with a lime green paintball.

**Ok, I just had to stop there. I was laughing too hard. A drowsy Bella attacking Edward with a lime green paintball. Is that a little OOC? I want to know. After all, she thought it was Jasper, and she was half asleep and she's known for vivid dreams. And she's been with Emmett all day and half the night.**

**So, review PLEASE!! How was the first part of the epic paintball battle? Good? Bad? Hermaphrodite? (Not to offend any hermaphrodites mind you) **

**If you review you get to see the very disturbing, very humiliating video of the Cullen of your choice dancing to **_**Dance Commander**_** by Electric Six. If you don't review, you'll get a private dance from theVile Mike Newton or Lauren. I hate them both…..ugh…now I'm going to have nightmares. So please tell me what you think. PREASE!! Enjoy children. And remember, taste the fan-freakin'-tastic rainbow.**

**Oh, and the skittles thing was inspired by someone's fanfic, sorry I can't remember who's, which involved Skittles…I hate skittles. **


	8. I was a captive of the deranged pixie

**Over 100 REVIEWS!! LE GASP…Speechless…moi…NEVER HAPPENS!**

**Ya'll have managed the impossible! Something every person I've ever met has tried to do…they thank you from the bottom of their black little hearts. I thank you from the bottom of that empty space where a heart is supposed to be. The damn skittles stole what was left of mine, however. Now I keep random things such as Mr. Goodbars and my car keys there… oh well, at least I still have my soul. **

**Again with this…(let me compose myself, this is very hard to admit…) begins to resemble Bella in New Moon holding sides…..I…don't….own…Twilight…le SOB**

**So, this is the part where I like to do shout outs. Shout outs to those fabulous people who have reviewed and make me happier than my natural Alice-like state…How sad, early twenties and still having Alice like amounts of energy and mentality with just a touch of Emmett's goofiness. Someone once said by the time you reach this age you'll be a mature, young adult….Pffffttt….yeah right, mature. When Hell freezes over…maybe. So back to the case at hand, shout outs to those amazing reviewers that really are helping my writing skillz (and confidence) so THANK YOU WITH CHOCOLATE COVERED CULLEN OF YOUR CHOICE ON TOP TO: J.K. Meyer, Crystaldragon791, 3daygirl, messhaBlack, Shruikin, Lil French Girl, pff401, Sushisan6, desmatia, justm, Full Moon Writing (I'm bad. I do the same thing when I should be asleep. What will we ever do), darknight7 (your boyfriend comment made me laugh), Muse44, elusivepoet, TwilightObsessedOECD, mx.edwardcullen95, andaere, XO Edwards my angel XO, twilightrox2201, iambellaswan00, princess1992, Dazzler16, and super thanks to twilightmom67, NNycBlackout89, and madeinchina 371. And to every other reviewer (my fingers are cramping now) that I didn't mention, and to everyone who's added me to their favorite authors/stories and everyone who's bothered to just read the story, THANKS!! **

**And now, the continuation of Keep Away with the Cullens….**

_Bella's POV_

Jasper was right behind me with a look of utter shock plastered on his face. He wasn't expecting a lime green paintball to the face. When did he start wearing black grease beneath his eyes?

It had slowed him enough for the yellow streak behind him to tackle him; effectively dragging him down to the ground. I heard a strangled cry and a shocked voice.

"Rosalie. Get," Oomph, "Off!"

Emmett spun around, running backwards, to get a look at Jasper and Rosalie. I heard a definite click of what sounded like a camera. Several blinding flashes danced above my head, just outside my line of vision.

Why would Rosalie tackle Jasper?

Wasn't she helping him?

Slowly my brain was waking up.

"Bella!" I heard Emmett cry as he spun back around and continued his journey north. I was grateful he returned to look where he was going. I didn't need to be sick on top of kidnapped.

Emmett's entire body shook from laughter. He slowed and collapsed on the ground, still holding me to his shoulder.

What was so funny?

"Bella, do you know who that was?!" he gasped.

"Jasper?" I asked. Realization was dawning on me as the cool air off the ocean whipped threw my hair. It was Jasper, wasn't it?

Emmett was thrown into another fit of laughter before standing up, with me on his shoulder, and running north.

"Jasper," he muttered between laughs.

I thought for a moment. Red paint, chasing after us, trying to help Emmett keep me…No, red paint was Rosalie's color. Each Cullen had a different color, I learned that in the first war game I played with them. Why would Rose attack Jasper….

"NO!"

_Alice's POV_

I didn't think she had it in her. It was a snap decision, with the vision invading my mind only a second before it actually happened. I stopped short in my chase of Jasper and turned North.

Bella was slung over Emmett's shoulder. She had reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of paintballs. She hit Edward straight in the face while yelling, 'Taste the fan-freakin-tastic rainbow!' It was beyond words.

Bella just squashed her own rescue attempt.

Bella actually stopped Edward for a fraction of a second.

Just long enough for a yellow Rosalie to tackle Edward from behind. Emmett spun around, still running, and snapped several photos of Edward's humiliation. I heard Jasper's soft chuckle turn into rib splitting laughter as he took in the scene for a moment. Then he was off into the woods.

Another vision invaded my mind. Emmett had paused. He fell to the ground laughing.

I started running north, behind the tree line towards the lighthouse before the vision had even finished.

This was _perfect._

_Emmett's POV_

I can't believe Bella did that.

Maybe I'm starting to rub off on her. After all, she's been with her favorite brother for nearly 24 hours straight. She really is diabolical. That's when I heard her desperate and agonized cry.

"NO!"

Ok, maybe not.

"Bella, calm down." I said gulped in unneeded air in an attempt to calm the laughter.

"Edward!" she hollered behind me.

Edward was currently pinned beneath my dear, sweet Rosalie. She had a most devious plan in store for him. And I was the star. Ah, Rose. Just as diabolical as me. I love her.

"Emmett!" Bella tried beating the back of my legs as I ran north. The only way I knew this was because she was wriggling on my shoulder.

"Relax Bella. You know if you hadn't hit Edward in the face with that paintball, he would have caught us. Then the epic paintball battle would have ended then and there."

"Ugh," she sighed. She stopped trying to beat me and instead hung motionless over my shoulder. "Why, Emmett? Why?" she asked in a defeated tone.

I chuckled as we approached the lighthouse.

"I don't know why. But what was up with 'taste the fan-freakin-tastic rainbow'?"

Bella just sighed. "Let me go back to sleep. Wake me when your done playing keep away." She sounded so defeated. She was quiet for a moment before she said, "Just so you know. Your worse than Alice when she decides to play Bella Barbie."

That's when I paused. We had reached the jeep. I opened the passenger side door and sat Bella in the seat. As I strapped the harness into place I said, "I'm no where near as bad as the deranged pixie."

And that's when I was tackled to the ground.

_Alice's POV_

I saw Emmett slow near the jeep and set Bella down in the passenger seat. She looked so sad. _Awe,_ we need to change that.

"I'm no where near as bad as the deranged pixie." I heard Emmett scold. That was it.

I sprung from my spot on the widow's walk of the Lighthouse. I came down hard and fast on top of Emmett. He sunk into the ground, making a very lovely Emmett shaped dent in the ground, face first.

"How's that for _deranged PIXIE!"_ I yelled at him as I pocketed his jeep keys. I quickly darted thru the open passenger door, slamming it behind me. I had the car in drive and heading south towards the Fort before Emmett could compose himself and give chase.

"Hi Bella," I said, grinning at her in the dark interior of the jeep. The lights were off and we were speeding across the manicured lawns of the park. That's when a second vision hit.

Me and Bella were speeding off to save a very tormented Edward. We arrived, he jumped in and we headed back to the house…and Edward wouldn't let Bella out of his sight till after the wedding.

I snapped out of the vision, knowing what I must do. Edward wouldn't let Bella out for anything. He was going to be more than overprotective. He would be downright mental. And I have a wedding to plan.

"Alice! Thank God!" she screamed as she tried to throw her arms around me. Then she noticed the headlights were off. "ALICE!" she yelled.

"Oh Bella, calm down." I said as the fort came into view. Behind me I saw Emmett, in all his pink, yellow, and now blue, glory giving chase. In front of us was a yellow and red Rosalie and a very pink Jasper torturing Edward. The now red, yellow, and pink Edward was curled in a ball on the ground. There he goes again, twitching.

I rolled down my window and called out.

"Thanks Jasper!" as we raced off past them. My beloved Jasper was shocked just long enough for Edward to shoot up and throw him into the side of the fort. Emmett had reached the threesome and was staring off after his beloved jeep.

"Bella!" I heard Edward holler before we shot out of sight.

"Alice!" Bella screamed in my ear, "You left Edward!"

"Yep," I said, popping the P.

"Alice…" she was leaning forward in her seat. She sat still for a moment then sank back. "No Alice, NO."

I grinned evilly.

"No, I'd rather be Emmett's hostage. Return me to Edward. Or at least Emmett. I'd rather be with Rosalie. Just, no…No means no, Alice." She threw her hands up in defeat.

"Bella, we're going to have so much fun!" I squealed.

_Bella's POV_

I had _ruined_ my own rescue attempt.

I was going to be poked and prodded by a maniacal vampire who thought ten hour long shopping trips were _fun._ I'd rather be in the skittles factory with Emmett and Edward.

_Ugh._

I was a captive of the deranged Pixie.

**And there we have it. Do you like it? I like it. Its Alice's time to have fun. And we all know Alice. Alice planning a wedding…with free range on the bride…muahahahah. So read, review, discuss. The same as always. **

**Review and you get to paintball the villain of your choice till they cry for mommy. I pick the Vile Mike Newton personally. If you don't review, Mike and Aro will paintball you…in that 'special' room they have in Volterra…that was a bad experience to say the least. **

**So enjoy! And review! Because it makes me happy! **


	9. Why do I look like an Umpa Lumpa

**O.M…C. Muahahah. I love typing that. Anyways, the OMC is because of the fact that we have over 150 REVIEWS, 57 FAVORITES, 106 ALERTS, AND….WAIT FOR IT….OVER 6,000 HITS. (sad I'm getting happy like this, but hey, that's just me). So I've no idea how that stands against other first time fanfics with only 8 chapters, but…hell…I'm happy. I didn't think one person would read this so I'm feeling all happy and girlie…very odd emotions for me. Anyways, thanks for the reviews and hits everyone! **

**May I apologize now that this chapter took a little longer to post. But, damn writer's block. So, yeah. **

**So ya'll know the drill. The Cullens and Bella are my playthings…much like barbies to a six year old I make them bend to my every whim…but sadly, I have no ownership of the Twilight. That's still S. Meyer's, lucky broad. So, time for more adventures in **_**Keep Away with the Cullens….**_

_Emmett's POV_

_What the hell?!_

Alice had sneak attacked me. Alice, the deranged pixie, bride of the Emo confederate, had sneak attacked _me!_

And she got Bella.

Crap.

Edward was going to _kill _me.

That is, once he returns to the living (so to speak) and stops staring in shock after Alice and Bella …and my jeep.

My _Jeep._

Alice would pay.

"Emmett, what happened?" Rosalie gave me a hard look as she glided over and stood beside me. Jasper had pulled himself out of the green concrete rubble that had fallen around him. There was a distinct Jasper sized dent in the side of Fort Casey. Something tells me this would make the news.

"Alice…she…" I was just as dumbfounded as Edward. "She snuck up on me. Dropped down from the Lighthouse like some vengeful shopping demon and slammed me into the ground." Rose wrapped her yellow arm around me.

"Well…that was interesting." Was all Jasper could say. He was standing beside, and slightly behind me. Green flecks of concrete mixed with the pink in his hair. That's when it hit me.

Alice was blue when she attacked me.

Alice was small.

Fun sized if you will.

I just got my ass beat by a smurf.

_Edward's POV_

"Yes Emmett. You let a shopping obsessed, eternally hyper _smurf_ kick your ass and take _my Bella_." I seethed. I spun around, taking in my family.

Jasper had pulled himself out of the wall I had thrown him into, his pink hair speckled green from the concrete. A very yellow Rosalie had her arms wrapped around Emmett's multi-colored torso. Emmett stared at me, his mouth hanging open at the realization that the smallest member of our family had taken him out and stolen the prize.

I heard a strangled chuckle come from Rosalie. She was trying desperately not to laugh, but it was useless.

"Em…you…got….beat…by a…SMURF!" she howled. Jasper took in her laughter and smiled. A quick glance in my direction wiped all humor from his face.

_Edward…what's with the emotions?_ Jasper asked, tasting the air around me.

"Oh Jasper," I said. A plan was forming in my mind. I wasn't sure where Alice was headed with Bella, but I knew one thing for sure.

Rosalie stopped laughing as she took in the expression on my face.

"Edward?" she asked.

I looked pointedly at each of my siblings. They had started this, they were going to fix it.

"_I'm _getting Bella back. And _you're _all going to help." I said dangerously.

With that I turned, taking off towards my Volvo, my siblings trailing behind.

_Alice's POV_

"Bella," I sang. "We're almost there. Wake up!"

She stirred in her seat, her eyes fluttering open. She had slept from Oak Harbor to Portland. We were coming up to the hotel and I needed Bella to wake up. It would be weird to say the least for someone as small and _smurf like_ as Emmett pointed out in one of my visions, to carry a sleeping Bella into a luxurious hotel without any effort.

"Alice, let me sleep." She muttered.

"Bella! Wake up!" I grabbed her arm and gently shook her. "We're here!" I turned into the valet station, turning off Emmett's giant jeep. I removed the harness and grinned at her scowling face. We were going to have so much fun!

I jumped out and threw my keys to a very confused looking valet. I guess they don't see small, blue vampires gracefully jump out of monster jeeps very often. I went around the front of the vehicle and helped Bella down. I couldn't return her to Edward injured. I'd never hear the end of it.

I pulled her through the revolving doors and into the foyer. She stopped for a second, taking in the marble floors and cream walls. I gently tugged on her arm and marched to the front desk.

"Hello," I said. The receptionist was shocked for a moment. She looked at normal eye level, saw no one and then slowly her eyes came down to my level.

"Welcome to the Pacific Executive," she said, taking in my and Bella's disheveled appearance.

"Reservations under the name of Belkin," I said. She tapped a few keys on her computer and pulled up the reservation. I handed my I.D. over without question and she handed it back with two keys. "Thank you. And the arrangements?" I asked. I had called ahead while Bella slept in the jeep.

Bella gave me an odd look.

"All taken care of Ms. Belkin. If there's anything at all, please let us know." She smiled.

I turned towards the elevators, pulling Bella along behind me.

"Alice, what arrangements did you make?" she asked me.

I grinned at her.

"Oh nothing _too_ extravagant. Just thought I'd get some of your wedding stuff out of the way." I smiled.

Bella groaned as we stepped onto the elevator and I pressed the small, glowing button marked P.

_Jasper's POV_

We had met back at the house to a very confused Esme and Carlisle. We were still covered in paint and missing two members of our group.

"What happened?" Esme asked as we walked through the door. Edward was emanating fury and worry as he glared at us.

"You'll be detailing that car after you get cleaned up." He said low.

With Emmett's jeep gone, we all road in Edward's Volvo. And we listened to his verbal ass kicking. If Bella was here, we would have been reattaching limbs. Thank God, and my beloved smurf, as we had begun to refer to Alice as, that she was off somewhere else.

"Edward, where's Bella?" Esme asked.

"With Alice," he said defeated. "I'm taking a shower." He marched up the stairs, disappearing upstairs. Esme turned her attention to me.

"Jasper, dear? Why does Alice have Bella?" A look of concern flitted across her features.

"I don't know. One moment Rose and I are containing Edward while Emmett was escaping with Bella. The next Alice comes racing over the hill in Emmett's jeep. We haven't seen her since."

"Yeah, and the smurf will know if we come after her." Rosalie said as she headed up the stairs with Emmett trailing behind. "Ugh, I need a shower. And I have to make a phone call."

I felt Esme's confusion at the word smurf.

"It's a long story."

"Blue paintballs dear?" she asked.

I headed up the stairs towards a shower of my own before we started planning.

"Yep," I replied.

"You really shouldn't pelt your wife with paintballs Jasper."

I smiled as I thought before disappearing into the bathroom. _But she had looked so cute in blue._

"JASPER!"

_Bella's POV_

Edward had once said I would be the death of him. Well, Alice will be the death of me.

The penthouse suite of the hotel was far too much. It had three bedrooms, two baths, and a butler. Alice was going overboard.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

"Alice," I whined from the bathroom I had barricaded myself in. I had sloshed off all the paint and was wrapped in a fluffy robe.

"Come out Bella!" I heard her sing from the living room. I had heard the front door open a moment ago and was scared of what awaited me.

"Alice, can't we go home?" I asked.

"No." she sang.

"Please?" I asked again.

"Don't make me come in there."

"Fine."

I opened the door and made my way into the living room. A _Living Room. _Ugh.

There, standing before me was Alice, no longer a, what is now referred to as, Jasper blue, and a strange woman with a stranger device in her hands. It had a nozzle and a tube that led to a quietly purring box.

"Huh?" I asked out of confusion.

Alice beamed at me.

"I wanted to try something new. An experiment if you will. It'll be fun!" she squealed.

What Alice thought of as fun, I usually thought of as annoying…and dangerous. I eyed the contraption in the woman's hands and definitely thought this idea was dangerous.

"That's not what I think it is." I said slowly. Renee had done something like this when I was 14. Not to me mind you, but I was there when she had it done. It was unpleasant to say the least.

"Stop worrying Bella. Now come here." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the woman. "This is Kenley." She said.

"Hello, I'll be giving you your spray tan today." The overly orange woman replied.

Then I felt Alice grab the edge of my robe and pull it down.

_Rosalie's POV_

We had developed a plan.

Edward was set on blocking Alice and her visions. This was the only way we would have a chance at rescuing Bella.

That's why I was meeting a werewolf for the second time in under twenty-four hours.

"Hi Rosalie." Seth had said as he spotted me at the borderline.

"Seth," I nodded towards him.

"So, what did you need?" he asked as he eyed a livid Edward sitting in his Volvo on the road.

"I need your help blocking Alice." I said quietly.

Seth shot a glance at Edward. "Oh no, not after what happened last time. I'm not going to be apart of Vampire fun and frolic hour." He said.

Werewolves are so weird.

"Seth, Edward is here obviously. And yet Bella is gone. Where do you think she is?" I asked him.

He looked at the Volvo. Edward was tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as Jasper and Emmett sat in the back seat waiting.

"Where's Alice?" he asked.

"Exactly," I responded.

Seth thought for a moment. "Oh." Before he could voice his next concern Edward rolled down the window.

"Please Seth, just agree." Edward asked, almost desperately.

"Well, Sam won't be too happy." He replied.

"He can know this time," I responded. I gave him a hard look before stooping to a new low. Edward laughed from the car. "Please Seth?"

Seth just stared at me.

I had just begged.

A Werewolf of all things.

For _help._

A new low, even for me.

"Uh…ok?"

I nodded once and returned to the car. Jasper was talking low on a cell phone with a credit car company. Edward sped off towards Seattle, a look on his face I hadn't seen since last fall. He was determined.

Jasper closed the phone and I felt a wave of calm and excitement wash over me.

"Alice used one of her _secret _cards in Portland to check into a hotel. She's under the name Belkin."

I turned in my seat. "Alice has secret credit cards?" I asked.

Jasper shrugged his shoulders. "Just in case, she always said. Don't ask me why."

Edward pushed the gas pedal further.

_Bella's POV_

This was beyond mortifying.

This was beyond embarrassing.

"Is she ok? I've never seen someone turn that shade of red before." the woman, Kenley, owner of the evil contraption, asked.

"She's fine. Bella embarrasses easily." Alice sang over the hum of the spray tanner.

I stood there, subjected to the worst torment ever. Standing before a stranger in nothing but my _underwear_, being spray painted while Alice made phone calls.

After a half hour it was over.

I was permanently red.

Alice had gone into the other room making phone calls when I heard a gasp. Then a low string of profanities followed by a desperate, "No! Why do the mess with my visions!"

She came out slowly, dragging her feet.

"What do you think?" Kenley asked as she packed up her equipment.

Alice perked up and smiled. "Just like I _envisioned_."

She grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me towards a mirror. What I saw was disturbing.

My face was the reddest I had every seen. That is, under the orange.

My face, my hands, my limbs, my _everything_ was covered in an almost pumpkin orange color.

I'd rather be back with Emmett. I'd gladly be back with Emmett and stuck in some fort surrounded by paintballs.

I'd rather my dream from last night come true and be stuck in a Skittles factory.

I gaped at myself. Then at Alice standing behind me in the mirror.

"ALICE!" I yelled. "Why do I look like a Umpa Lumpa!?"

**Ok, so what do you guys think? I figured this is Alice's chance to do whatever she wanted to Bella. And since Bella is so pale, Alice decided she wanted to experiment. And experiment she did. With turning Bella into a Umpa Lumpa. **

**Anyways, ya'll know the drill. Read, review, discuss. Tell me the good, the bad the ugly. All reviews are accepted and welcomed. If you review, you get to play spin the bottle with the Cullen of your choice. No questions asked. If you don't, the League of Transvestite Mythical Creatures will lock you and Mike, in a broom closet for kicks. They've been watching way too much Harry Potter lately. So review. Or you'll find yourself in a broom closet in Volterra with the Vile Mike Newton. shudders**


	10. What's Bella planning?

**Ok, Again, I own not the Twilight. But I mess like Hell with these characters.**

**I'd like to give a shout out and thanks to all my readers and reviewers! Ya'll are beyond words. So I'm keeping this one short and sweet. Sorry this is out later than usual. My classes have started and my Professors are…interesting. Although my Spanish Profesora reminds me of Alice. She's even short like Alice and full of energy. And she kind of lives in her own world. So yeah, she's pretty awesome. So onwards, upwards, just never backwards, with **_**Keep Away with the Cullens….**_

_Bella's POV_

We had been at this store for _hours_.

And I made sure Alice was aware of this.

"When are we leaving this store?" I asked as Alice threw another stack of clothes at me. She had closed down the shop and had been making fashion sparks fly all day.

_"Boutique_ Bella, it's a Boutique. And we'll be leaving when were done. The sooner you're finished, the sooner we move on."

Alice pulled the curtain shut and left me to the clothes. As I pulled another ridiculous dress over my head I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I wasn't _orange_ anymore, Thank God, but I still wasn't back to my normal albino-like whiteness.

"I want to see!" Alice sang from beyond the curtain. I stepped out and gave Alice an eyeful.

I had a blue dress on. A color Edward had mentioned once or twice he loved against my once _pale _skin. It cut in a deep V and hit me mid-thigh. There was nothing left to the imagination.

"Alice, I can't wear a bra with this." I stated quietly as she stood behind me; gazing at my reflection before us.

"I know." She said. She turned around and called out, "We'll take this one too!"

I shuddered in defeat.

"Ali-" I stopped mid word. Alice blanked out for a moment before breaking into a huge grin.

"Bella, I really don't like that color." She said mischievously.

"What color? The dress?" I asked.

"Nope. Your skin." She said and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the cash register.

_Emmett's POV_

We had been driving for hours before we finally reached Portland. It was early evening. I was sitting in back with Jasper planning our attack on Alice.

"I'm telling you, just run in there, distract the smurf and grab Bella. Three words Jazz. Run. Like. Hell."

"Em, one, my wife isn't a smurf. I'm sure she's removed the blue paint. Two, she may not be able to see our plan, but you know she'll have her own plan in place. Your plan may have worked on Edward," this received a low growl from the driver's seat, "But this is Alice. She's sneaky." There was a hint of pride in his voice.

"I know she's sneaky, but brute force will get Bella back the fastest. Just get us in there, I'll grab Bella-" I was interrupted as Edward turned off the freeway.

"I'll grab Bella, you help Jasper and Rose hold Alice down." Edward muttered. There was a strong determination rolling off him. "Damn force of nature…." I almost didn't hear him, it was so low.

"Edward, she'll be ready for us." Jasper threw his hands up in desperation. The military man in him was frustrated. This was the perfect chance for him plan an actual attack with unforeseen variables like humans, and we were squashing his dreams. Edward was set on the simplest attack to get Bella back. This had to be payback on Jasper.

"Jazz, give it up," my Rosalie sighed from the front seat. "The quicker we get Bella back, the quicker Edward will relax."

The Volvo turned into the hotel drive. Before us rose a ten story monstrosity. Of course Alice would pick the most expensive hotel in the state.

"They're here." Edward said quietly as he pulled up to the valet.

"How do you-" Jazz was cut off as Edward pointed towards the parking lot. My eyes followed his pale hands to a familiar vehicle.

It was red.

It was big.

It was the second prettiest thing I had seen in my life.

Edward chuckled as we got out.

My eyes were glued to my baby.

My _Jeep._

_Alice's POV_

Bella came out of the changing room wrapped in a fluffy white robe. I had to suppress a giggle. Her face had been permanently red since we pulled up to the spa.

"Oh Bella, your going to have soo much fun. First their going to start you with a sea scrub to get all the brown off your skin. Then a wrap, a mud bath, a hot stone massa-"

"ALICE!" she yelled. I stopped talking, knowing she was frustrated. "Please. I know your having fun playing Bella Barbie, Wedding edition, but could we lay off the treatments?"

I looked at her before grinning.

Bella sighed and stared absently at the floor.

"Oh, and after the steam you'll get a mani/pedi. Oh!" I couldn't help but squeal.

"Fine Alice." She said quietly.

I led her down the hall.

"You'll thank me one day Bella, I swear. Its just, once Edward gets his hands on you, we can't do any fun stuff for the foreseeable future. And you need a Spa day before your wedding." Bella glanced at me and sighed. It was her way of relenting any struggle she was planning on.

"Fine. How long will all this take?" she asked.

"Only a couple of hours." I pushed her into a massage room. "Now you have fun, I've got vendors to call." I cast a glance at the masseuse. "Please don't let her near the phone. This is a wedding gift and she's not allowed to speak with the groom till the day off." The older red head smiled and nodded before instructing Bella to lay down on a steel table. "I'll be back Bella."

I shut the door behind me and raced out to the parking lot. I had to change hotels and quick. Bella would be stuck in the Spa for a good five hours.

As I sped towards the hotel I was thankful that I signed up for fraud protection. The credit card company called me as soon as Jasper figured out which one I was using. I knew he had found my emergency stash. I just never thought he'd use it against me. ME, his own wife.

I swerved into the hotel and threw the keys at the valet. Who knew where they were right now.

I can't _see!_

Whoever is helping them now will definitely be in trouble.

I made quick work of the check out desk and called for a car. I decided to start looking into the future around me, to see if anyone would brush by my beloved _siblings._

Images flitted through my mind…the desk clerk was pregnant…the bellhop apparently enjoyed wearing women's knickers…Whoa, someone was getting lucky tonight…

"Ms. Belkin?" the valetsaid as my town car arrived.

"Thank you." I jumped in the back seat as the luggage was loaded in the trunk.

I was closing the door when it hit me.

A gust of wind carrying the scent of four familiar vampires. One of which I was very familiar with.

I instructed the driver to pull out to the exit and wait.

"My Jeep!" I heard Emmett squeal, yes squeal, five minutes later.

'_Edward. Oh shoot! I got to get Bella out of here! I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world!--'_

I pushed a slip of paper to the driver, all the while blocking Edward from my thoughts. The driver sped off, heading south to our next destination. Just enough time for Bella to finish her treatments and me to plan our next move. Hmmm, I wonder if we could go to Paris for some shopping?

_Edward's POV_

I heard Alice and that damn Barbie song again.

My Bella was here. In this hotel.

Somewhere.

I jumped from the drivers seat and ran through the lobby. I could smell her floral scent. She had been in the lobby this morning.

My brothers and sister were behind me as I stalked my way towards the elevators. The third one held her scent the strongest. I gave a withering glance at my siblings.

"Every floor. You know her scent. I need her back." They commandeered the three other lifts as we headed up.

Every floor the doors opened. Every floor there was no trace of her.

I allowed the faint scent of Bella to waft around me in the enclosed box. It was polluted by the burn of cleaning chemicals and the scents of other passengers. But it was still her scent.

Finally at the top floor I smelled her. She had been here this morning. I exited the lift and continued down the end of the hall. Her floral goodness wafted off the door handle.

I glanced around. No cameras. No witnesses.

It didn't matter.

I barely applied pressure to the door before it cracked.

Why couldn't I hear her heart?

I was in the room in an instance, my siblings behind me.

_'Whoa Edward. Good thing there's no cameras on this floor._

"Thank you for that astute observation, Jasper." I muttered as I searched the room.

Where was she?

Then I saw the note lying on the bed.

I quickly read it and let out a low oath.

"Edward?" Emmett asked.

"ALICE!" I roared.

_Bella's POV_

No more Ms. Nice girl.

I had been scrubbed till my skin was raw. I had been wrapped in a seaweed and saran wrap concoction that made me think, 'maybe this is how mummies felt during.' Finally I was given a moment alone before the hot stone massage.

Alice was nowhere to be found. And I still had three hours left.

The phone laid flush against the wall.

I picked it up, happy to hear a dial tone.

I had to be quick.

The other end rang three times before an answer.

"Hello?"

"Seth, shut up and listen. I need you to go along with me ok? Whatever I ask, are you in or out?" I rushed. I hadn't much time. I started slipping on the ridiculous blue dress that Alice had drug me here in.

"Bella?" he asked. He sounded groggy.

"SETH!" I yelled into the phone as I fumbled with my shoes.

"Sure, fine, whatever." He said.

"Thanks Seth," I muttered.

All I heard was a gently snore from the other end.

I rushed out the room and towards the front desk. The Spa was located in a Boutique hotel. Small, out of the way, yet had easy access to the highway. I walked up to the front desk.

After the desk clerk stopped staring I was able to talk since into her. It didn't take long to convince the desk clerk that I had an emergency and would like a refund for the unused treatments. Thank God Alice paid in cash.

Wow, three hundred bucks for a hot stone massage, a steam soak, and a mani/pedi. Alice was insane.

I ran out the door and hailed a taxi. They had just dropped off a young couple. I slid in the back seat.

"Where to Chica?" he asked.

"Train station, hurry." I muttered.

No more Bella Barbie.

I caught my reflection in the mirror.

My entire body was red, as if I were sunburned. My hair stood out at funny angles, and my dress was slightly wrinkled. I looked like a hooker ending her shift. Ugh. This was not good.

_Esme's POV_

The phone rang.

So naturally, I answered it.

I was expecting one of my children to call, asking for assistance in the Great Bella caper. I smiled as I noted the phone number was out of state. Hmmm, what has Alice done?

"Cullen residence." I answered politely.

"Esme?"

"Bella?" that was not the voice I expected to hear.

"Esme, I'm on the train heading to Seattle. I'll explain everything when I get there."

"Bella dear, who's with you."

I heard her chuckle. She was reminding me of Emmett when he had a plan.

"I busted out and I'm heading home. Can you pick me up? My train arrives at nine. And don't worry about Alice. Seth has that covered."

"Of course dear. Do you want me to call Edward and let him know?" I was grabbing the keys to Edward's Aston and heading out the door.

Bella was quiet for a moment. There was something off about her voice. She was up to something. "No. I'll call him when its time."

I started the car and paused for a moment. When its time?

"Bella, are you planning something against your siblings?" I asked as I sped down the drive.

I could hear the meek smile in her voice. "Yes?" she said as if it were a question.

"Would you like some help?" I asked as I turned on the highway and sped towards the city.

"I would be delighted." Bella paused. "Oh Esme, can we stop and grab some paintballs on the way home?"

I smiled. "Ok dear. I'll see you at nine."

I hung up the phone, wondering what Bella was planning.

**Ok, I know its been forever, but PREASE forgive me. I've actually had to study for my Spanish class. So yeah, this is the latest chapter. Again, what do you think? I personally think Bella would want revenge against her siblings after everything they put her through. And if I was her, I would definitely get Esme in on the action. Maybe that's just me though. But Esme doesn't remind me of docile little mother. Loving yes, quiet yes, but she's got some spunk. So, ya'll know what to do.**

**To avoid any midnight visits from a cross dressing Aro and Mike, you shall review. Reviewing makes me happy, and gets you closer to playing in fun-and-frolic Vampire games. So review and you get to play, don't and you shall face a transvestite Aro….ugh. Last time that happened all I could mumble was 'Drag Queens stole my pants.' For a week straight. Till next times kiddies! Cheers!!**


	11. What the Hell is she doing

**Ok, here's the shout out to all my most awesome readers and reviewers…mainly…wait for it…everybody. Special shout outs to the following (because I felt like mentioning some of ya'll and your awesome ways): Mishimoto Sakura, CassieB, courtney214, VampireCat3, Little Miss Jules, emmylovestwilight, twilightrox2201, Sophia24, Starheartswirly, stormxgirl89, pff401, kellicolleen, ScarletteVamp, xoMrsCullenox, Bite16, LinaLina318, JocelynA, Capella85, Lost in Believing, Miss Apple Pie, Blackangeldust, and EVERYONE ELSE WHO READ OR REVIEWED. May you all receive photos of your favorite Cullen (and Aro because its funny) in a compromising, yet schmexy situation (except Aro. His can be just plain hilarious). **

**May I say thanks to madeinchina371 for her shout out and urging of her readers to come and read **_**my**_** story. Seriously, her fanfic **_**No talking! Write it down!**_** Is awesome. One of my favs so check it out children. Oh, and thanks for the FNG inspiration…poor Jasper. **

**To the one who asked- a hermaphrodite is an individual who is both male and female. They have both male and female reproductive organs. I know, the things you learn on after school specials growing up. le sigh Thanks for the reviews though. Very awesome.**

**So, ya'll know the drill. Twilight rocks, I have no ownership of it. And I have no chance of even plotting to overthrow S. Meyers till the drag queens return my pants….damn drag queens. But while I bid my time, I shall make the heroes and heroines do my bidding. Muahahahah….yeah, I need sleep I know. So, up, Up, and Away with **_**Keep Away with the Cullens….**_

_Alice's POV_

I had tickets for Bella and I to London all ready. There was going to be some heavy smog and clouds and we could get some great shopping in before I handed her over to Edward. I knew my game would have to end, but why not take it international while I still could? Edward was going to kill me anyways, might as well have my fun.

The driver headed up the drive and parked at the front door. I walked through the shade of the above canopy and smiled sweetly at the doorman.

"Welcome back Ms. Belkin," the receptionist smiled. Something's wrong. Her smile faltered slightly. Mine disappeared completely.

"What happened?"

"Well, your friend came out about three hours ago saying there was an emergency and asked for a refund for the unused treatments. I hope everything's ok?"

"You. Let. Her. Go." I said low. I was trying to control my temper and primal urge to rip out her throat.

"Y-yes," she said. I took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

"Did she leave with anyone?" If those siblings of mine got to her, I was going to kill them.

"No. She got the money and jumped in the first taxi available. She didn't say where she was headed if you were going to ask."

I paused. Bella left on her own….She PROMISED not to leave. She said she would _behave._ Urgh.

"_Bella!"_ I whisper yelled.

I looked into the future, around the holes in my vision for anything…Nothing. I pulled out my phone, calling the only werewolf I could think of that would willingly work with her.

"Stop calling me! I need my sleep! First Rosalie, then Edward. Then Bella, why she called I'll never know! Now you; whoever you are I'm in…as long as Edward's ok with it. He's dangerous when he's crazy. Let me sleep. Damn Vampires!" And with that, the line went dead.

Whoa.

I didn't get a single word in.

At least I know Bella was actively blocking me.

What is she up to?

_Bella's POV_

Esme, God bless her, was waiting for my when I disembarked the train. I ran into her arms, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Esme! My brothers and sisters are crazy!" I muttered into her shoulder.

Her shoulders shook with gently laughter. She ran an icy hand from the crown of my head down my back.

"Oh Bella, I know. They've been crazy from the beginning."

"Help me get them back?" I asked.

"Of course dear. It's been awhile since we've had some fun. What do you have in mind?" I pulled back to look at her face. I smiled. "Dear, you look a bit like Emmett when you smile like that. Whatever your planning must be diabolical."

I laughed as we broke apart, still walking arm in arm towards the car. "Well, he did inspire me. We need to stop at the Camping store and I need to get a hold of Seth. Do you think Carlisle would be willing to help?"

We climbed into the car and Esme sped out of the car park.

Now it was Esme's turn to mimic Emmett.

"Oh Yes. I think Carlisle will be more than willing to help, Bella dear."

_Jasper's POV_

I caught Alice's scent outside the hotel. Emmett and Rose retrieved the jeep and were following Edward and I in the Volvo. I had followed Alice's scent to the canopy, where petrol and rubber overtook her glorious smell. She had got into a car and taken off to who knows where. Now we were driving aimlessly, Edward reading the thoughts of anyone who may have come in contact with her. I was on the phone with the credit card companies, trying to find any clues.

"Jasper, any luck?" Edward asked lowly as we headed southeast. I held up a finger. It was pointless to ask, Edward heard everything I did.

"_Sir, there is no new charges for any of those names."_

"Thank you." I said, before hanging up. I looked at Edward and mumbled sorry.

That's when the scent hit us through the open windows. It was Alice. She couldn't be too far off. Edward swung left, sliding between two turning cars, and headed towards the scent. Emmett and Rose were right behind us.

My phone vibrated.

"Yes?" I said.

"I'm assuming you guys caught Alice's scent." Rosalie spoke. I heard Emmett in the background, blaring the radio. It sounded like _Saturday Night feels alright _but I couldn't be sure. Emmett was singing off key.

"Yes Rose."

"You do realize we're headed towards the airport. Correct?"

Edward growled low beside me.

"I heard that." She chuckled lowly.

I hung up. We were speeding along the side roads the airport when Edward turned sharply to the right, causing the Volvo to go up on two wheels before slamming back down.

_Edward, what is it!?_ I asked. I could feel the excitement rolling off of him. We were still a ways off from the airport, but I saw a sign for the train station up ahead. That's when I smelled it. A faint whisp of Bella coming out of the open window of a taxi ahead of us.

Emmett and Rose must have caught the scent as well, because the pulled around us, and passed the taxi, effectively making a Cullen car sandwich. Emmett hit the breaks, causing the taxi's taillights to flare up. Edward hit the brake, keeping the taxi squarely between our vehicles.

_The driver, a very startled Colombian was yelling at us in Spanish as he exited his cab. Emmett and Rosalie came up behind the driver, keeping a distance as not to be seen as a threat. Edward was already out of the car, had closed the gap between him and the driver, and had the poor frightened man pressed against the taxi._

_"A woman, 18, chocolate eyes, dark hair, __beautiful__. Where did you take her?" Edward prattled off in perfect Spanish. _

_Edward hissed low at something, more then likely obscene coming from the cabbie's mind. He listened for a moment, then released the driver before he said a single word._

_"Go," he said low as he pinched the bridge of his nose. The driver jumped into his taxi, maneuvered around Emmett's jeep and sped off reciting several choppy Hail Mary's. _

_"Edward…" Rosalie asked tentatively._

_Edward turned and jumped in the Volvo while muttering to himself._

_"What the hell is she doing…" _

_We sped off down the road, Emmett and Rosalie following close behind._

**I beg forgiveness from my most awesome readers for the delay. I know this is shorter than most, but classes are seriously picking up. We're nearing mid-terms and I've been busy. But I promise to have another update up this week. And I'm hoping to be able to update once a week, usually on Saturdays. **

**So, likey-likey? I do, then again, I know what the ultimate plan is. So ya'll should know the drill after ten chapters. Review, discuss, and make me smile. You review and you get to be quarantined with your favorite Cullen till the CDC gets their thumbs out of their ass (That will be a very loooong time.) And yes, I saw **_**Quarantine**_** with my sister today. Possessed, demon child on CRAAAACK. If you don't review, you get attacked by that damn flying monkey child from the above mentioned movie. She will EAT. YOUR. FACE. Cheers!!**


	12. Worth the damn read, trust me loves

**Not a Damn Author's Note.**

**Ok, may I first apologize for how long the new chapter has been taking. I've…well…this is slightly embarrassing…I…**

**I'VE HIT WRITER'S BLOCK AND IT WON'T BLOODY LEAVE!**

***peaks through hands ashamed.***

**So yes, I've been staring at the bloody screen for the last few weeks and I don't like it. Nothing seems to flow right and stay with the story. I know, ya'll have probably heard this from other authors, but it SUCKS on so many levels. Ergh…*le sigh***

**What the real problem is, I've finally figured out in a granola bar and diet pepsi vanilla induced haze is the lead in to the revenge of complete awesome. So, there will be some changes towards the end in chapter 12: Sexbomb, all Hell has broke loose. (I love tom jones :D) Anyhoo, Edward and Alice chasing each other will stay the same. I just need a different lead in for how I want this story to go. Hopefully, with that changed, I'll have Chapter 13 up and running this week. I have Uni finals tomorrow. All my damn finals are on one day. Ergh. But the changes should go up later today. I'm not giving up on this story. I love this story too much and going through the older chapters, I find myself laughing. I just need to do some editing magic and fix this beast. **

**Oh, and I would like to thank, from the bottom of that empty, ice cold, blackhole vortex in which a heart is supposed to be (hey, at least I have my soul) all of my readers. Reviews are better than unicorns. If you've read the wonderful and highly addictive tale 'Wide Awake' you'll know what I mean. Rated M for a reason. But if you like darker, albeit funny as fuck tales, then you'll enjoy.**

**So thank you to everyone. Just to name a few of my most awesome readers: twilight wolves, haleyisrad, awesmtxn, crazy person alert, tanwellman (love your review about keep your hubby awake. It made me chuckle.) Culinaromancer, EternalCorruption, TokyosBiting, The Kyd, mylife9, bellawannabe0897, , cahrshasas, DreamSweeper, robsmom (midterms were great, thanks!), the ever wonderful tina72899, bellacullen1620, edwardismypassion, kellicolleen, quirky-as-alice, maxstew, dkanp, courtney214, SilverCrossesBurningRoses (love the name change by the by) ashleyynicolex3, reader13lovesbooks, emmylovestwilight, InLoveWithEdward1218, devils-anddevil-pixies, Conduit04, silkoverglass, ImWithTheVampires181, MicMae, and PennyVanquish and everyone else who I didn't mention because I have 26 pages of reviews and my hands are going NUMB! And I have to study for my lit and Span. Finals tomorrow. So yes, I 3 you all. **

**Oh, and if any of you like a good read and a good crossover, head on over to edwardandbellabelong2gether for her two awesome fanfics 'You're Not Sorry', and 'Where Do We Go From Here.' The woman has talent. The second is a Twilight/Supernatural cross over and is amazing. The first is all human, canon pairings. Both are amazing and I'm the official lemon writer. So yes, definitely rated M. But they're not mindless, citrusy goodness. They have amazing plots and are great reads. She usually gives a warning when a lemon will commence, so its easy to skip if you so inclined. **

**So, I know this is long, but I needed to get this out there. God willing I pass my finals. **

***starts praying and lighting candles* So, until later this week, happy hunting on the boards. **

**CHEERS!**

**-the mad piratehannelore**

**PS- Meyers is finishing 'Midnight Sun'. All together now-"AHHHHHHHHH!" (annoying fangirl screams) :D**


	13. Sexbomb, all Hell has broken loose

**This isn't a full update. That will be coming THIS WEEK I GIVE MY WORD. But I wanted to fix one or two small things on this chapter that had been bugging the living hell-o out of me. **

**Lo Siento, Muchachos!! Please forgive me!**

**Ok, ya'll know the drill. I've yet to overthrow the tyranny which is S. Meyers, free the Cullens, and hand them over to my favorite readers as rewards for reviews. (We all know the Cullens want to be our pets). So, until then, I own not the Cullens.**

_Alice's POV_

I followed the scent that faintly drifted in the air outside the hotel. I kept the window down as I drove. I had left my driver at the hotel, taking the town car for myself. Bella was sooo in trouble when I got my hands on her. Why would she run? I thought we were having fun.

There's only one thing worse than Bella running off.

And that was what Edward would do to me when he caught me.

Believe me, _that _I saw perfectly clear. He knew exactly what he was going to do to me. My poor closet.

I sped down the road, following Bella's scent. That's when it hit.

_Craaaap._

They were near.

I saw the train station come into view.

I also saw Emmett's jeep.

If she was here, I'd have to fight to get her to the airport on time.

Edward was going to get me.

My poor closet.

_Emmett's POV_

Bella had been at the train station. By her scent, it seemed we had missed her by two hours. The last train to leave two hours ago was headed for Vancouver, B.C….with stops in Seattle, Everett, and Mt. Vernon. Edward was still formulating his plan of attack. What if this was one of Alice's plots? But we hadn't gotten a scent of Alice here.

Until now.

Ah, my deranged pixie of a sister was talking to the clerk at the ticket counter. She seemed agitated. That was not good.

"Alice," Edward said her name as a curse, too low for her to hear.

This would be interesting.

Alice was too preoccupied with the ticket clerk to hear Edward's low oath. I watched my _frustrated _brother silently ghost behind the deranged pixie. When he was a good yard away Alice, without turning, without giving any indication she knew he was near, took off through the lobby.

"Lo Siento Eduardo," she hollered behind her as our brother chased her through the lobby at human pace.

"Alice! Where is she!?"

I looked at Jasper and Rose.

"Like I said, Lo Siento, Eduardo!" her bell-like voice rang through the lobby as she darted out the doors, Edward hot on her heels. She was really looking for punishment. Edward hated being called Eduardo more than he hated being called Eddie. Something about a bad trip to Peru in the seventies with Alice and Jazz. Then again, he was kind of twitchy when they returned, mumbling something about mummies and Alice never being trusted with gauze again.

"Dude, something tells me your wife dropped the ball." I muttered.

Jasper was quiet, watching through the glass windows as Alice danced out of Edward's grasp through the parking lot, weaving between cars and travelers.

"Yeah, I think your right." He muttered back.

Rose was quiet. She just stared at our siblings.

Alice slid across the hood of a late 90s' model sedan before darting between a row of cars. We could hear every word being said. Although Edward was the only one speaking.

"Alice, where is she?!"

Alice ran around a traffic sign and leapt over a luggage cart being pushed by an elderly couple.

"What do you mean she's _GONE!?"_

There was a large, abstract sculpture rising thirty feet into the sky. Really it was an elaborate fountain constructed of concrete and glass. Its angular shapes rising high gave way to smooth glass platforms staggered from the base of the fountain, reaching high above the fountain base.

"How could you lose my _fiancée_!?"

Alice made her way towards the fountain, leaping gracefully from the bench rim of the pool to the lowest platform.

This. Was. Hilarious.

Edward made the same leap as Alice, while the deranged pixie made her way higher.

"Should we stop them?" I asked as we made our way towards the doors.

"No," Rose finally spoke. "Eduardo is bugging someone else for once. Maybe he'll take out his rage on Alice and we can go home."

Edward turned, starring death glares at my wife. "Not very likely, _Rosalie_." He hissed before making another leap towards Alice.

The pixie was now on the highest platform, with nowhere to go…that wouldn't rouse suspicion from the now starring humans.

"Alice, if you don't have her, where is she?"

"I don't know. She's blocking me!" Alice wailed, playing up for her now enraptured audience.

That's when Alice eyed our brother while I heard the notes of Tom Jones' _SexBomb_ singing from my pocket.

Rose and Jazz stared at me. Rose Edward and Alice peered down from their perch on the highest platform, mouths hanging open.

I shrugged.

Tom Jones' has got style.

Rose rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to our siblings.

Jasper grinned wickedly, his shoulders shaking from silent laughter.

I ignored them and pulled the offensive thing from my pocket.

Home.

"Alice," Edward hissed ,"You took her, now your going to help find her."

Edward was pissed.

I ignored him and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"Edward's chasing Alice up a fountain in broad daylight while the humans stare aimlessly after them."

"Oh Edward, he really is in love."

"Yep."

"Emmett dear, Bella is here at home. Please tell Edward you can stop canvassing the western seaboard for her." Our mother's voice sang from the tiny silver phone.

"Sure thing mom." I said grinning.

Edward's eyes flashed relief as he heard our mother's words.

He was making his way down the platform, Alice's tiny arm clutched in his hand. In the distance we heard the wail of sirens.

"That's our cue to go." I said, running for the jeep.

Behind me I heard my siblings following...and the distinct voice of Jasper mutter, "Whatever you say, _Sexbomb."_

_Jasper's POV_

Something was off as we pulled into the drive.

Alice was curled into my side as we sat in the backseat. Edward drove wordlessly as he flew like a madman up I-5. Once we made it to the peninsula, Edward's emotions changed from determination to anxiety and longing. This was really getting to him. Alice remained quiet. She kept searching the future, I knew as much, answering Edward's silent stares he'd give through the rearview mirror.

Something was definitely off as we made our way up the drive.

_Edward…we should be careful. I don't like the vibes I'm getting._ The house came into view. Twilight had settled in and everything was still; too still. It was the same feeling I'd get before an ambush. It had nothing to do with my gift, it was simple instincts telling me to be wary.

"Jasper, don't." I felt the relief wash over Edward as he turned the key in the ignition off. That's when I heard it, the sound that caused Edward to calm so quickly, so perfectly.

A human heartbeat.

Only it was going too fast to be considered calming.

"Edward," I warned as we slid out of the Volvo. Emmett pulled the jeep around to the garage.

Edward was ignoring me as he ghosted up the steps at vampire speed and into the house.

And that's when I heard Sex bomb yell and all hell broke loose.

**Ok, forgive me for I had mid-terms and a somewhat life and writer's block all conspiring against me. This is the first part of the beginning of Bella's epic revenge. Personally, a crazed Edward chasing Alice around a parking lot at the train station was pretty funny in my mind. Especially her spouting of Spanish to him as she ran. So yeah, what to look forward to in the next chapter.**

**Gooey, tasty human food, motorcycles, and again, even more…dun dun-dun…PAINTBALLS.**

**So review and you get your very own Cullen-of-your-choice dipped in chocolate for your very own lick fulfillment. Don't review and you'll be dipped in chocolate and given to the Vile Mike Newton…or Aro, cause yeah…he's weird like that and has a chocolate fetish. **


	14. Bella's revenge pt1: What's that smell?

**Ok, so this is short. But…I know where the hell I'm going with this!!! It may seem like a filler, but its not. Trust me…truust in meeee…Ok, enough of that. Thank you all for your amazing patience, reviews, and just for reading. I'm sooo HAPPY!...Yeah, I know, frightening. I'm even scared.**

**So, back to the long awaited chapter of **_**Keep Away with the Cullens….**_

_Emmett's POV_

Edward had slammed to a halt in front of the house. I could hear Jasper giving him a warning, saying things weren't right. I pulled the jeep towards the garage, hitting the door opener and sliding into my usual space. I killed the ignition, and glanced at Rose before opening my door.

"Now that Eddie's stopped having an aneurism, maybe me and you can have some-" I never finished my sentence.

As I opened my door, and Rose hers, I heard the snap of twine against the metal frame, and a heavy splatter on the hood of my baby.

There was no avoiding it.

Even if I could think straight.

I looked up, finally noticing four strategically placed buckets, hanging by their sides, above my jeep. Leading up to them were several lengths of twine. Following them down, I saw the now snapped ends dangling beside my door. Apparently, as soon as we opened the doors, we snapped the twine, releasing the slime.

My gaze moved downwards. I looked at Rose through the open doors. She stood stock still, covered in a purple and grey slime. It dripped through her golden locks, down her perfect body, and pooled at her feet. Even covered in filth my Rose was hot.

Then I noticed my baby.

_My baby._

Covered in, what I now realize to be the foulest smelling paint balls ever created, Monsters, in the custom color Alice had insisted upon for Bella. Royal Peacock Purple. It smelled like sulfur and rotting eggs. The grey goop mixed in was the consistency of slime and stuck to _everything. _I recognized it as Esme's all purpose stick it mix she had created as revenge against Jazz and I after a prank gone wrong. It stuck anything to everything, wouldn't come off for days, and was used, in a diluted form, as paint remover.

My paint job.

My baby.

"Noooo!"

My cries were cut off by the feral roar from the third story of our house.

_Alice's POV_

_If we could just get Bella back, we could….never mind_. _Sorry Edward._ I thought as he growled low in his throat. _I guess it really is over. _I sighed. I never did get to take her international…properly that is. A good shopping trip would have done wonders for us both. And we'd have so much fun!

We followed Edward up the steps. We heard Emmett lamenting over his jeep. Apparently Bella was here. Edward headed up the stairs towards the heartbeat. I stopped dead in my tracks. The house stank. More than stank, it was putrid. I glanced at Jasper.

"I don't like this," My love hissed low. Jasper's eyes darted from side to side. He tentatively took a step forward, his body sliding into a modified hunting crouch. I took another breath, not as deep as I had before.

The air stank of rotting eggs, sour milk, and every last one of Esme's cooking projects gone wrong. There was something else though. Something familiar and disgusting. But to figure it out I would have to breathe. And breathing was not an option right now.

"Esme," I called out. I'm surprised she hadn't greeted us with a verbal backhanding at the door.

Ugh, at least that's what I expected.

But I wouldn't know if she was planning that or not.

Because I'm damn well _blind._

"Where's Esme and Carlisle? They should be here." I said, taking the stairs slowly. Jasper was right beside, and slightly ahead, of me. Always in his modified crouch. Oh I love him.

That's when we heard it.

Loud and angry.

Heartbreakingly sad.

Animalistic.

Apparently, Edward didn't like what he found in his room.

And I laughed. Laughed harder than I ever could imagine. I laughed so hard that I fell on the stairs, Jasper following suit. My beloved shot me a look. The look you'd give someone who's truly gone mad.

I just recognized the mystery scent.

_Edward's POV_

I raced up our stairs, not bothering to listen to Esme and Carlisle's thoughts.

I wish I had.

I had noticed the stench of our house. I also realized that, hopefully, this was one of Esme's ruined attempts at baking. The last time she tried to make brownies the house smelt of burned cat for two days.

How she got the stench of burnt cat from brownies, I'll never know.

Hope was fading from me faster than water from a leaky bucket as I darted up the final set of stairs. I knew Bella could be stubborn. But something tells me she was out for revenge. I just hope and prayed she would let me help her…instead of pelting me with paintballs…again.

_What was up with taste the fan-freakin'-tastic rainbow?_

I stopped outside our door.

Something was off.

The heartbeat…it was _wrong._

Slowly I opened the door.

_Bella's POV_

I watched from a safe distance, safely tucked away on my bike. Carlisle had been kind enough to give me a portable viewing screen for the garage's security camera that Esme installed not two hours ago. The look on Emmett's face was priceless.

Yeah, I was pissed.

Beyond pissed.

And Emmett, although I love him, got what he deserved.

He said he was thinking of changing the jeep's color anyways. This just made the decision for him.

I chanced a glance at Rosalie on the screen, and I could swear I saw smile flitting her perfect lips. Apparently, she thought this was funny.

Wait until she got her surprise.

Should be soon too.

She needs wash that gunk off her anyways.

I grinned. I knew Esme was armed with her camera. I wouldn't miss out on anything. It's only fitting, really.

I headed off towards the safest place I could be when it came to e_scaping _the Cullens. It still wasn't safe for me at home.

Not yet anyways.

_Esme's POV_

We heard Emmett moaning over his jeep. We heard Edward's verbal 'bitch slap' from one very irritable wolf. And now, we waited for everyone to find their 'gifts' that Bella left them.

"Do you think we should him?" I whispered, too softly for anyone else to here. Carlisle and I were tucked away in his office. I was sprawled across his lap, as we listened to our children return home.

"I suppose." Carlisle nuzzled my neck. "Do you have your camera?"

I grinned.

I love my children.

I really do.

But, sad to say, they had this coming to them.

And I couldn't wait.

_Edward's POV_

Sitting, on my couch, was the owner of the heartbeat. Or, I should say, nearly sleeping on my couch.

My jaw dropped…To shock a vampire is truly a stupendous feat.

_Why?!_

_What did I do to deserve this?!_

"Hey," the heartbeat's owner said. "So Bella called me again…and I…she said…can't a guy get any sleep around these parts. I swear I'm going wolf and staying wolf! At least crazed vampires will stop asking for deranged, yet vague favors. And why did Bella ask me to do _that_ to your sister's closet, I'll never know. I won't be getting any random phone calls from Rosalie or Bella. And why the hell did Bella, not just Bella, but your mom _and_ Dr. Fang ask me to come over and wait here. Man, I've got patrol tonight and I need sleep!" Seth's eyes were wide and he was obviously exasperated.

"I-" he cut me off.

"ENOUGH with the damn Vampire games! Dude! I just want some rest! Some damn sleep! Is that too much to ask?! Edward, come on! Pleeasse!" Seth just stared at me. His eyes rimmed red, dark circles giving the impression that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't a wolf. Maybe he was the other white meat.

I couldn't stop staring.

"WHERE'S BELLA!?" I choked out.

Seth rubbed one massive hand over his groggy face and flopped down on the floor. "She said she didn't want to be here when the, and I quote, 'shit hit the fan.' Whatever ya'll did to her, she's beyond mad. She's out for blood. I'm going to sleep. Wake me and I swear the treaty is broken. Broken due to lack of PEACE and QUIET!" Seth rolled on his side mumbling. "If the elders thought they would be dangerous because of their hunting habits, they have another thing coming. Damn, sparkling…" His breathing evened out and soon he was asleep.

And that's when I lost it.

**Ok, so what to look forward to next week…**

**Edward crying on his knees, Rose gets a new look, Alice is speechless, Emmett realizes Bella's brilliance, and Jasper twitching on the floor. Oh, and Esme and Carlisle get into the blackmailing spirit.**

**I'm thinking of doing a short little one-shot of Seth's perspective of all this. What do ya'll think?**

**So, yay or nay? Review and you get…a day at Spa Cullen. Oh yes, bring on the massages and steam rooms…and chocolate. Always got to have the chocolate. A chocolate covered Ice cream Cullen sundae…mmmm…Don't review and you will be forced to watch vacation videos of Aro and the Volturi at the Jersey shore. Nobody wants to see a powdery Aro in a speedo. That for damn sure. **

**:D- The Mad PirateHannelore!**


	15. Bella's revenge pt2: Naked Umpa Lumpas

**So, I own not the Twilight, the Labyrinth, or anything else that is so blatantly, obviously NOT mine. I also own not the Cullens…I just keep the boys as pets. They likey. They know it. :D**

**Also, I just returned from the West side of the mountains. As in Western Washington by the way, and now I'm back in the snow globe from hell. That's right, nearly four feet here in Eastern Wa. I'm personally missing the green. Oh well.**

**Thanks to all of my awesome reviewers! You make me smile so much. So, onwards with **_**Keep Away with the Cullens….**_

_Edward's POV_

I didn't know where I was.

Who I was.

Who my family was.

All I knew was that She. Wasn't. Here.

I briefly heard Alice's giggles halt. Her mind questioning my sanity.

_Whoa Edward. _She replayed the roar I had released in the door way of my and Bella's room. I heard all thoughts go quiet for a split second of peace before I spun on my heels and headed downstairs. I had to find her scent. I heard Carlisle reach out to me, pointing me in the right direction as I bolted out the back door towards the tree line.

Seth continued to snore.

_Rosalie's POV_

Poor Edward…snort.

I heard the verbal bitch slap Seth gave him. And no matter how much I hate those mutts, I have to give it to Bella. She's a sadistic one.

I wanted to give the jeep a new paint job anyways.

Really she did me a favor. I couldn't help another snort.

Emmett just looked at me funny.

"What?" I asked, covered in Esme's all purpose goop and rancid paintballs.

"Did you just….snort?" he asked.

I snorted again, laughing. Today was too much. My clothes were ruined, my hair was ruined, I had been dragged around by my insane brother for far too long, and all I wanted was a shower. I was just happy Edward was leaving me the hell alone and I could get back to my life…un-life…damn it, my existence.

"Come on babe, let Edward freak out about Bella on his own. We're not responsible now."

I grabbed my gooey, heartbroken husband by the hand and pulled him along…away from his baby.

"Bu…but Rosie, my _baby. _She needs me. We can't leave her like this." I could hear the exasperation in his voice.

"Emmett, you're lucky you're married to me or else you would be reattaching limbs for calling that jeep your baby. Come on." I pulled him from the garage and we headed towards the house.

I know I should be angry. But I can't be. Bella's finally shown some backbone. Surprisingly. I honestly had to give her props. She went with all the bull we pulled and instead of whining to Edward, she's out for fucking blood…venom…whatever. And that mongrel…nice touch.

We passed Esme and her camera as we headed inside. She quickly snapped a photo of us and hurried to the garage before either of us said anything. I had it. I could care less right now. I'll swipe the photos later anyways. The look on her face was too sweet to ruin. A mother enjoying her children's bickering and suffering.

We passed Alice and Jasper on the stairs, laying in each other's arms as they rode out the last of their giggles. I ignored them both as I pulled Emmett towards our bedroom.

Today was the day I finally lost my mind. _My family_ finally drove me insane.

I needed a shower.

Emmett needed a shower.

Edward is lost in the woods half crazed hunting for Bella.

And I could care less.

I think I finally snapped.

_Alice's POV_

Oh. My. Word.

Rose and Emmett are beyond stench. They are beyond reeking. I've known corpses that smell better than those two. Hell, I've dined on corpses that smelled better than those two.

"I know Alice, I know." Apparently my beloved felt my disgust and revolt as Thing One and Thing Two from the Bog of Eternal Stench passed by.

We laid on the stairs, just thinking…and smelling. Between Rose and Emmett, and the werewolf taking up residence in Edward's room, and whatever Bella did to the house, it was a veritable trash heap.

"We should clean the house." I said, looking at Jasper. An idea came to me.

Jasper's head shot up, gazing at me with that familiar glint.

"We should start in our room." He whispered.

Aha, so my husband was a mind reader afterall.

I one fell swoop I was in Jasper's arms and within seconds I was bouncing on the mattress where he threw me. A giggle escaped my lips before Jasper crashed his lips to mine.

_No Edward in the house! _I sang to myself.

Ugh!

"What's wrong?" Jasper asked as I pulled back from him, breaking our steamy kiss.

"That smell. I feel like I'm locked in a cage with the entire La Push pack." I muttered.

"Alice," Jasper half whined, half chastised.

"Sorry sweetie, but I can't be in here with that smell." I sniffed the air. It smelt like it came from the closet.

My closet to be precise.

I launched myself off the bed and to the sliding door. Opening it I was met with wolf stench and…Oh fuck! She didn't!

I barely registered the glass shattering scream emitting from Rosalie's bathroom.

What did Bella do?!

_Emmett POV_

Rose had just stepped out of the shower as I was drying off when I heard her shrieking like a banshee…and the mirror of our bathroom shattering.

"Rose, baby what's wrong?" I rushed into the room to see a very enticing, very colorful Rose standing before the shattered mirror.

I saw orange.

I saw green.

And I saw a fist coming at my face when I started to laugh.

I also saw a flash of light before Rose took off towards the camera's owner in nothing but a towel.

I just stood there, gazing at the shattered glass shards scattered about the marble counter. That's when I noticed a flash of emerald in one of the shards still intact in the mirror's frame.

A mixture of pride and annoyance towards Bella rose in my chest as I realized I had used Rosalie's shampoo while we were in the shower. But I had gotten out before Rose used her body wash…._oh fuck!_

Green Umpa Lumpa hair.

Pumpkin orange skin.

My wife is straight out of a Gene Wilder acid trip.

I suppose I should go find her.

As I made my way to the hall I heard Alice screaming about something and Jasper standing at the head of the stairs with a look of amused pain plastered on his face. Usually when Alice is upset he's trying to calm her. What was pulling him away from her as she threw a bitch fit?

That's when I noticed the orange and green stained towel laying quietly on the top step.

My wife wasn't just a life sized Umpa Lumpa…she was a _naked_ life sized Umpa Lumpa.

_Score!_

Jasper grimaced as I chuckled to myself. Mr. Emo confederate can't handle the lust, he can go hunt up Edward in all his emo glory.

I turned my attention to the scene below us.

My beautiful Rosalie was chasing Esme around the living room, demanding that she relinquish the camera.

"Dude, you know Bella did this." Jasper muttered lowly.

"Yeah."

"Gotta give her props." He sighed as Alice started cursing something about werewolves and one of a kind pieces of something else or other.

"Oh yeah. I think she deserves a fuckin' parade for this one." I said.

"You do know your hair's green, right?" Jasper asked. Esme dodged Rose's tackle, an orange streak ground into the white carpet.

"Yep." I was all I said.

**So Rose has been taken out…and yeah, she's naked attempting to crash tackle Esme. Poor Esme.**

**Stay tuned for the next installment to see the devestation Bella has brought about to Alice and her closet of Barbie torture. **

**So, ya'll know the drill. Review and you get a seven minutes in a closet (yeah that just came off the top of my head) with the Cullen of your choice. Don't review and Mike Newton gets you in the closet for seven minutes…and Aro…in the speedo…*le shudder* Happy Holidays, New Years' etc… - :D The Mad piratehannelore~!!!**


	16. Bella's revenge pt3: Bella Orange

**Ok, sadly, my last attempt to overthrow S. Meyers failed…Carlisle, or if you've ever read 'The Bella Swan Diaries' Hot Bitch, just had to stop me…ergh. *le sigh*. So I still no ownage. **

**Jazpup- you saying I have a messed up mind made me smile. I shall keep you in gilded cage with the Cullens if you so choose. You be very happy there. Lol. Seriously, that's the norm at my house. We're all screwy. So thanks! Oh, and I've seen your fav's list (thanks by the way) I suggest you check out 'The Bella Swan diaries'. It's very…interesting and lots of lemons, but it's funny as hell and something tells me you might enjoy the humor. **

**CrystalDragon791- thanks for calling me diabolical. Your awesome chica!**

**Ok, so thanks to all my lovely reviewers and readers. You make me smile like I'm five yrs. Old and its Christmas morning. Which is a frightening sight when caught in any reflective surface. So this will be short my lovelies for Eron, my hermaphrodite laptop is going to see its maker to get the screen fixed. Yes I name things, no I'm not a hippie. We also have Dorkus the mighty buffalo hunter (my pickup) and Eduardo Kinky Boots the drag queen of a cell phone. Very sexy, that Eduardo is. Lol. Ok, so, here's Alice's portion. Enjoy dahlings, enjoy!**

_Alice's POV_

My closet was ruined!!

As I ventured, tentatively into the depths of my once and never again sanctuary, I barely registered the yelling and breaking of furniture from below.

Everything stank.

It was disgusting.

Vera, Valentino, Chanel, Carolyn, Ralph, Versace…all reeking of wolf. One of a kind vintage pieces ruined due to the stench.

Not enough for a human to notice, but to one of us…ugh!

_She wouldn't?_

I raced to the back of the closet, throwing back racks of clothes to my sacred rack of designer shoes. All one of a kind, I had managed to track down the best of the best over the decades. There was a small fortune in footwear behind those clothes.

"Nooooo!" I whailed, falling to the floor.

Every pair.

Reeking of wolf.

I laid on the floor, not breathing, staring at my collection. Bella had outdone herself.

I released my breath and picked up a shoe, not moving from my position on the floor. And that's when I realized something.

The stench wasn't from the clothes.

They were only carriers.

It was from the room.

_What the hell?! Did she kill a mongrel and bury it under my floorboards!_

I pulled at the corners of the carpet, sniffing tentatively.

The stench was in the floor, the walls, the paint!

How did she do that?!

Wait…Do I even want to know?

I laid on the floor…my entire closet was ruined.

Even after removing the carpet and painting the walls, and scouring EVERYTHING with bleach the stench would still linger. Nowhere near as strong, but it would still be there every time I opened the door, every time I hung up something new, it would have the faintest of wolf reek sullying it.

I rolled on my back and that's when I noticed something.

The ceiling.

It was orange.

Bella Orange.

**I told you it was hella short. But, damn it, I need to pack Eron up. So I'll try for a longer update this weekend dahlings, but no guarantees. So, tell me what ya'll think. Next up I believe will be Edward sobbing on his knees and Jasper's turn to twitch. Only a few more chapters loves.**

**Review and you get to five mins. In the gilded cage with the Cullen of your choice. Don't review and it's the dungeon with Aro and Mike. They have that damn bondage fetish still. Thought I beat it out of them. Meh. Till next time.- The mad piratehannelore :D**


	17. F Bomb Alert

**F-Bomb Alert!**

**Fuck my life.**

**Le Sigh.**

**Hello my most beautiful, wonderful, talented, unique and UNDERSTANDING readers….:D**

**No, I'm not dead. **

**I know, shocker, right?**

**So I have long list of reasons for why I've yet to update. **

**Mike and Aro kidnapped me into their kinky love dungeon in Volterra and I just now escaped.**

**Eron died, the loaner laptop from the library sucked and ate my last chapter, and Lola took forever to get. Combined with…**

**Midterms, studying, and finals. Which led into…**

**Moving house over spring break. That now brings about…**

**The Spring quarter has started and I've got a hell of a lot of reading to do. And…**

**I've been co-writing Next Door Neighbors with EdwardandBellaBelongTogether. (Yes, I'm shamelessly pimping it here. Check it out if you don't mind lemony goodness. Warning right here, if your under 18, don't read. But, even if your over and don't you can skip them, it's a great plot. ) But, again, be warned- LEMON ALERT!!!**

**So take your pick. Actually, B-F is all true. I've been getting my ass kicked by classes, and I really want my 4.0 to end the year off right. BUT, I'm not giving up and God willing, a new chapter will be posted this weekend. God willing!**

**On a side note, I'm thinking of re-writing this story with a higher rating as but after Bella's change. I think there's some interesting things to do with that.**

**So my lovelies, hope to hear from ya'll soon.**

**-the mad piratehannelore :P**


	18. Bella's revenge pt4: Bella Is Epic

**No I'm not dead….but my laptop is.**

**Ok, so no excuses but my old lappy, Eron (yes, I name EVERYTHING; no I'm not a hippie) had a cracked screen. Eron was sent back to HP to get it fixed. Mind you, Eron had the crack when I bought him…warranty SHOULD HAVE FIXED IT, but HP sucks ass and thus they wanted to charge me $435 and some odd cents. Thus, I bring you Lola Kinkyboots. She's awesome, she's new, and she's BLUE. Just like the cell phone, which is aptly named Eduardo Kinkyboots. And the trucks named Dorkus. Now ya'll know just how weird this Uni student is. Ok, so, I had this chapter written. Written on a lappy I had on loan from the Uni Library. But like the moron I can be, I saved to the C drive and rebooted…and lost the chapter. The loaner wipes everything on every reboot. And then I had to return it. And then midterms came about. And I figured out the perfect revenge for Jasper…and…ergh, blargh! And then, finals arrived. I know, I know!**

***hangs head and mutters 'Le Sigh'***

**So, our threat is brought to you by madeinchina371. She's extremely creative and thus, I'm so jacking her threat. Really, its ultimately where this would have lead to. It was eventual after all. And it's oh so delicious! Lol. **

_Jasper's POV_

I have got to get away from this.

The emotions are running high. Too high. Between the werewolf upstairs, Emmett and, when did he grab a video camera? Rosalie pissed off, Esme earily calm, and Carlisle-is he _basking in the love!?!?! _

_What. The. Fuck!?!?!_

I don't even want to think of the emotions coming off my Alice. I'm no good to her if I can't rein in my emotions.

_Twitch._

"Whoa, Jazz my man," Emmett turned from his current hobby of video tapping a naked Rosalie and noticed my eye and its ever so slight twitch.

I gave Emmett a proper glare before turning on my heel and stalking off towards my study.

My sanctuary.

I quickly hustled thru the door and slammed it shut behind me. Leaning against the wood I sighed in relief.

_Freedom._

Until I smelled it.

Something sweet, and spicy and….papery?

WTF?!

Fucking Peru!

I opened my eyes and was greeted with a life size cutout of Edward and Alice…in Peruvian ponchos.

The stereo, set on a motion sensor, turned on, blaring _Eres Tu_ throughout the room.

The memories came flooding back.

The late seventies.

Alice, Edward and I decided to take a mini vacation to Peru. Alice and I for a who-knows-how-many honeymoon and Edward was studying ancient medical practices of the indigenous people. This included a rather eventful trip into Ecuador with the Shuar tribe…better known as headhunters.

We were on a bus heading towards the airport when the driver decided to play the song.

Originally I found it quaint and took to singing to Alice. How she is the fire of my heart and so on.

It was sweet the first few times.

Around the tenth time people were becoming annoyed. Edward was hearing the thoughts of the other passengers and the driver, the vein in his head slowly beginning to throb in annoyance.

Alice was bouncing happily, rubbing soothing circles into my thigh when she gasped.

Edward cursed lowly under his breath. "Fuck."

"Edward?" I had asked, as his annoyance grew tenfold.

The bus swerved to avoid a cow in the road. We plowed into the side of the mountain, causing a landslide.

When we had stopped moving, everyone was ok. No injuries, thank you God.

But we were stuck.

And the three vampires could not dig ourselves and the others out.

Apparently several local tribal members were on the bus and was suspicious of us from the moment we got on.

Why had Alice insisted on the tourist experience of taking the bus?!

That damn song was still playing. Apparently the tape deck broke and there was no way of fixing it without arousing suspicion. If the locals suspicion grew, we would be dealing with the Volturi in the next few months. Or so Alice had informed us.

By the time we were dug out six hours later, the bus was filled with a near lethal combination of lust, annoyance, fear, and, thanks to my beloved, bouncy contentment. A young newlywed couple decided to use the washroom in the back to practice conceiving their first born.

They were an epic fail in the baby department.

But I was this close to ravishing Alice in front of the entire bus load of people.

People were hot, muggy, and tired.

And that damn song kept playing.

It started with my eye, as usual.

By the end of it all I was a twitching mess, praying for my freedom. Curled up in the fetal position, starring aimlessly off into space.

Alice took the opportunity to see how pretty a woman I would be. Lipstick, rouge and all.

Somehow she got me into a damn dress!

Edward had to carry me off the bus.

I dragged Alice into the jungle.

We stayed there for a week.

Needless to say, that damn song has been banned from the house…along with Peruvian ponchos and bus trips. No emotional flashbacks needed here.

I had sworn the family to silence.

Every time that song came I started twitching and sunk to the floor, emotion after hellish emotion crashing over me.

_I'm. So. Fucked._

_Emmett's POV_

"Jazz, come here!" I hollered. Turning around, I couldn't find him anywhere.

Pansy must be hiding in his study.

Can't have that, can we.

I pushed open the door, hollering. "Jazz, seriously, Rosie nearly got Esme in a head-whoa! I thought those were banned!"

Life size cutout of Edward and Alice stood in the center of the room. _Eres Tu _played from the stereo. It smelled like a frickin' jungle in here. And Jasper.

Dear, sweet, emo Jazz was laying on the floor, in the fetal position, absently mindedly singing along with the song.

The emotions coming off him were utter hell. I had the urge to drag Rose off to our room for a week, kicking the living hell out of the next thing that moves, cry like a baby, and….bounce?

I quickly set the camera on the shelf to get footage of Jasper rocking on the floor. Then I did the only thing I could do, shut the door and walk away.

If I could cry, I would.

Bella was the grand mistress.

Her skills are legendary.

I wouldn't even go there. The Peru trip of Hell was a strictly taboo subject in this house.

Bella is Epic.

**If you fail to review my lovelies, you shall be forced to accompany Mike and Aro on their next romantic weekend. Yes, they are now lovers as they are done denying their love for one another. This was discovered over a romantic dinner with wine and candle light.**

**If you do review, you get to control the button that electrocutes our two freaky lovers every time they attempt to 'get-r'done!' Fun for hours, I swear! Don't review, and you'll be stuck with them as a snack for Aro and a sex therapist for Mike. *shudders***

**Happy Easter my lovelies!**


	19. Oh snap, she's still alive

Oh hell, she's still alive. Run for your lives!

Alright wonderful and perfect readers whom I love very much. I'm not dead.

....

Shocker, I know.

However, real life has been beating me down like you wouldn't believe. The year ended quite well here at Uni, and I started a new job, plus life in general has kept me busy. As well as the fact I've been co-writing The Next Door Neighbors rated M in case your wondering. I've also been working on original pieces, so yes, I've been a busy beaver.

Ok, maybe we don't need that analogy. Beavers and their teeth are kind of freaky.

I've also been struck by that ghastly beast, the one true enemy of every writer, the one thing that you will live in fear of meeting on a dark night in a back alley...writer's block.

I know how I want to end our ardent tale of thievery and hijinks, its just getting it out on paper so to speak. Actually getting it out is alluding me as of late. And for this and everything else I apologize immensley. I've turned into one of the writers I just can't stand. The kind that takes forever and a day to update. I'm sorry.

Truly I'm sorry.

But I'm not giving up, I assure you. I have started the next chapter and its mostly outlined, its just spitting it out. Picture me with a writer's stutter. Which would be quite amusing as I had a stutter as a child. Still comes out when I'm nervous or speaking to quickly. And I'm a bloody fast talker.

So rest assured, I'm not turning my back on our friends, I'm just having technical difficulty getting them to bend to my will. Both our beloved Cullens and the damn english language.

I'm fighting to finish it, and I pray I can get it out soon. As in the next two weeks soon. But rest assured, sooner or later I will finish it.

Again, I've become one of those writer's I hate. But we all go through it sometimes.

Thanks again for your patience and for following the story everyone. After we are finished here, look for the next tale of our befuddiling heroes entitled _Bella, Diablo, and the Action Star._ All human and AU with just enough OOC to make it funnier than hell. Its one of those originals that just wont spit itself out unless written in fanfic format. A little taste for anyone interested.

Synopsis: Bella: World famous author and Masters student who's sworn enemy lives in her home office. Edward: Action star and Hollywood heartthrob. Diablo: The printer from hell.

I.M. Swan is famous not only for her novels but also being the celebrity crush of action star Edward Masen. A fact that was broadcast on live television during the Graham Norton show. In real life, Bella is your average Masters student trying to finish her thesis and her next novel before her publicist and editor both hang her high. Life gets tricky when her best friend and roommate Emmett invites his baby brother to stay with them while he's 'working' in Seattle for the summer. Too bad baby brother is Edward Masen. Will Bella get anything done? And what's up with the killer printer from hell?

**Excerpt from _Bella, Diablo, and the Action Star_**

My ringtone for Rose went off somewhere amid the sea of red and white that was once my master's thesis.

"Ah, hell." I dove under the mess to find Eduardo ringing loudly. Flipping my phone open, I meant to say hello when Jasper grabbed me by the waist and hauled me onto the couch.

"Omph!" I gasped out as I hit the leather.

"There ya' go lil' lady," Jasper grinned at me.

"What was that?" Rose asked from her end.

"Nothing but your cousin molesting me. Now he's got his sights on your boyfriend." Emmett's jaw dropped and Jasper started laughing before he wiggled his eyebrows at Emmett.

"Come here, Emmie," Jasper's impression of Yosemite Sam was spot on.

"What?" Rose questioned.

"Oh, now Jazz has got him in a sleeper hold. Jasper, no touching _there_ unless given expressed permission! Boys, I don't think Rose will appreciate the man love." I couldn't resist messing with Rosalie and Emmett at the same time. It was too perfect and a fitting payback since walking in on them and their wild monkey love on the loveseat a few weeks ago. I still can't sit there. "Jazz, have a little dignity. Begging won't get you—never mind, begging will get you what you want."

Jasper was rolling in hysterics on the floor while Emmett was caught between gaping at me and my blatant disregard for his dignity and joining Jasper on the floor.

I heard Rose give a nervous laugh before asking, "You and your sarcasm. Seriously, though, what's going on? Are you busy?"

"Nothing but a little man love. I told you Jazz is too pretty to leave alone with your boyfriend. What can I do for you tonight, Rose? Oh, and the fumigation bill for that loveseat is on its way. I still can't sit there, thank you very much," I sighed as I curled up on the couch.

"Is this I. M. Swan?" A distinctly British, distinctly male voice asked.

I shot up and off the couch, completely horrified.

"M-maybe. Who's asking?" I squeaked, unsure if I wanted the answer. I could hear a roar of laughter in the background.

"This is Graham Norton, broadcasting live from New York. Are we interrupting something?" I prayed this wasn't the voice I thought it was as I turned to the television.

"No, just the usual Sunday night-" I started to reply before slapping a hand over my mouth with a resounding thwap. I almost said orgy. I really need to learn how to think before I speak… and stop hanging out with Emmett and Rosalie. They are a bad influence. Very bad.

_Note to self, pick up a new mental filter when out next. Cannot use twisted humor and sarcasm on the outside world. This is why you get those funny looks when telling a joke and people wonder if you've gone off your meds, Bella. Remember what you have learned all twenty six years of your life. Your twisted sense of humor is not sociable acceptable outside of a very few, very twisted group of individuals. In which two thirds are rolling on your living room floor in a fit._

Emmett and Jasper laughed even louder, if that was possible, and I heard Rose groaning in the background.

_Sarcasm, this is not the time!_

"Oh, well, as long as were not interrupting. Ms. Swan, we've a fan of yours as a guest tonight. A certain action star by the name of Edward Masen."

Oh no.

Oh No!

Oh, fuck NO!

**End Excerpt**

Hope you enjoy! Let me know what ya'll think, and again, sorry for the delay and I'm working on the next chapter. I give you my word! Soon it'll be in all ya'll's hot, little hands.

~the mad piratehannelore :D


	20. Edward's hair is soo pretty

_Bella's POV_

I had spent a good portion of the afternoon at First Beach, relaxing for the first time in days. I had my LCD screen hooked up remotely to the cameras Esme installed into the house. Everywhere but Edward's room. Jasper was currently in the fetal position in his study. Rosalie had finally stopped chasing Esme, though for how long I was unsure of.

I was heading back on my bike through the woods towards the treaty line when I heard it.

A snarl and a string of profanities..

The further I traveled the louder the noise got until I reached the treaty line and discovered the source.

Edward.

My Edward.

Cursing and destroying anything in his path on the other side of the invisible line.

"Edward?" I asked quietly. I had never seen him so frustrated in my life. Not in Italy, not while under the threats of James and Victoria and the army of newborns. Never had I seen him so... broken.

Ah hell, I think I did this too.

"Bella!" Edward stopped in his pulverizing of an Evergreen to where I was leaning against my bike. Edward made to step across the boundary but I held my hand up, halting him.

"Edward sweetheart, what did the evergreen ever do to you?" I asked. I couldn't help the smirk forming on my face.

"There's a werewolf in our bedroom," he simply stated.

"I'm aware of this fact."

"He's stinking the place up. Like ass." Edward nodded solemnly as if this was the most important piece of information the world had every seen.

"Seth smells fine to me." I replied. I was hard pressed to contain my giggles but contain them I did. I had never seen Edward like this before.

"No, like ass." A giggle escaped. My sweet, gentlemanly Edward was referring to another living being as smelling like ass.

"Did Emmett body snatch you by chance? I knew I never should have let him watch that movie," I muttered.

"No my love. Emmett is currently watching his Roald Dahl on crack impersonating wife put our mother in a head lock."

"I saw," I held up my LCD viewing screen.

"Ah," Edward nodded his head, eerily calm.

"Jasper's in the fetal position in his study. I wasn't aware the life size cutouts would have _that_ effect on him."

"Alice is a mumbling mess in her closet. What exactly _did_ you do to it?" Edward asked. That's when I noticed his hand twitching by his side.

"You don't want to know. Edward, what's wrong with your hand?" I asked.

Edward glanced down before shrugging. "Bella love, if you don't get in my arms in the next two seconds I may be breaking a treaty."

I grinned.

This was my Edward.

But still, I couldn't...not yet.

"I'm sorry Edward, no."

"Bella, I need you." His voice was becoming desperate.

"And I need assurances that I won't become the next cracker jack prize in our family's demented version of keep away. I'm not a toy. Well, I'm not _their_ toy. Yours, come our honeymoon on the other hand." I smirked at my fiancee.

"Bella, please," Edward ran his hands through his hair, violently pulling on the ends.

"Edward, can you promise me I won't be kidnapped, tossed around like a Jonas at a tween convention, painted orange, or taken internationally by our family? I swear its more dangerous for me and my sanity to be human around the family than if I was naked in the middle of Volterra. Victoria was less scary than Alice on a shopping spree."

"BELLA!" Edward wailed before he hit his knees on his side of the boundary line. "PLEASE! Our family will not touch you, just please come home! We don't have to go back there. We can run off to Vegas and then I'll take you far and away and I'll change you. We don't have to see them for the next century if you don't want to. Just please, I need you!"

I smiled as Edward stared at the ground, breathing hard. His hands clutching his head so hard I feared Edward would pull his hair out. And that would be a crying shame as I really do love Edward's hair.

Its so pretty.

"Well now, that's all I needed." I said as I launched myself into Edward's arms. Edward laid back on the forest floor, wrapping his arms around me, sighing contentedly. I peppered his face with kisses as I muttered, "No more Gene Wilder acid trips....No more shopping....no more skittles, EVER....and definitely no more road trips with Emmett...."

"Never," Edward sighed before meeting lips with his.

And that's where we stayed for the the rest of the day.

**Alright, its not what I wanted but I'm just stuck and I need to finish this. Seriously though. Reviews get a naked Cullen to do with as they will. Its a naked Cullen free-for-all. Make them scrubbed the oven, write your psych paper (Jasper is especially useful for that) give that big presentation at work on Monday, whatever you want. Hell, drizzle them in chocolate and have a Cullen Sundae for all I care. Just don't let them perform surgery unless you pick Carlisle. That wouldn't work out to well.**

**Don't review and Mike and Aro will force you to become the third party in their love triangle. And they like their kink a little to much.  
**

**I don't think you want that. **

***shudders***

**Till next time, readers! :D  
**


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